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School for Wives. 




I N 




STRAND. 1774. 



H E Author of the following performance 
cannot commit it to the prefs, without acknow- 
ledging the dcepeft fenfe of gratitude, for the un- 
common marks of approbation with which he has 
been honoured by the Public. 

Tho' he has chofen a title us'd by MOLIERI, 
he has neither borrowed a fmgle circumftance from 
that great poet, nor to the beft of his recollection 
from any other writer. His chief ftudy has been 
to fteer between the extremes of fentimental gloom, 
and the excefles of unmterefting levity ; he has 
fome laugh, yet he hopes he has alfo fome leflbn ^ 
and faftiionable as it has been lately for the wits, 



even with his friend Mr. Garrick at their head, 
to ridicule the Comic Mufe, when a little 
grave, he muft think that !he degenerates into 
farce, where the grand bufmefs of instruction is 
ncglccled, and confider it as a herefy in criticifm, 
to fay that one of the moft arduous tafks within 
the reach of literature, flaou'd, when executed, be 
wholly without utility. 

The Author having been prefumptuous enough 
to affbrt, that he has not purloin'd a fmgle fprig of 
bays from the brow of any other writer, he may 
perhaps, b aik'd, if there are not feveral plays in 
the Englim language, which, before his, produced 
Generals, Lawyers, Irimmen, Duels, Mafque- 
rades, nnd Miftakes ? He anfwers, yes -, and con- 
fcfles moreover, that all the Comedies before his, 
were compos'd not only of men and women, but 
that before his, the great bufmefs of comedy con- 
fiftetl in making difficulties for the purpofe of re- 
moving them ; in diftrefiing poor young lovers ; 
and in rendering a happy marriage the object of 
every cataftrophe. 

Yet the* the Author of theSchool for Wives, pleads 
guilty to all thefe cliarges, ftill, in extenuation of 
his offence, he begs leave to oblerve, that raving 



cnly rreii and women to introduce upon the 
ftao-e, he \vas oblig'd to ccmpofe his Dramatis 
Ferfcnse of mtre ficfn. and blood j if, however, 
he has thrown this flelh and this blood, into mw 
fituations ; if he has given a new fable, and plac'd 
his characters in a point of light hitherto unex- 
hibited : lie flat.ters himfelf that he may call his 
play, a new play, and tho' it did not exift before 
the creation of the world, like the famous Welch 
pedigree, that he may have fome fmall preteniions 
to original'ty, 

Two thing? befides the general moral incul- 
cated thro' his piece, the Author has attempted j 
the firft, to refcue the law, as a profeffion, from 
ridicule or obliquy ; and the fecond, to remove the 
imputation of a barbarous ferocity, which dra- 
matic writers, even meaning to compliment the 
Irifh nation, have connected with their Idea oj 
that gallant people : The law, like ever}' other 
profellion, may have members who occafionally 
difgrace it ; but to the glory of the Britifh name, 
it is well know that in the word of times, it has 
produced numbers \\hofe virtues reflected honour 
upon human nature-, many of the nobleft privileges 
the conilitution has to boaft of, were derived 
from die integrity, or the wifdom of lawyers : 


Yet the ftage has hitherto caft an indifcriminatc 
ftigma upon the whole body, and laboured to make 
that profefiion cither odious or contemptible in the 
theatre, which, if the laws are indeed dear to good 
Englifhmen, can never be too much refpefted in 
this kingdom. There is fcarcely a play in which 
a lawyer is introduced, that is not a libel upon the 
long rcbe - t and fo ignorant have many dramatic 
writers been, that they have made no distinction, 
whatever, between the characters of the firft Barri- 
fbers in Weftminfter-Hall, and the rneaneft lolicitorg. 
at the Old Bailey. 

"With rcfpcct to the gentlemen of Ireland, where 
even an abfolute attempt is manifefled, to place 
them in a favourable point of view, they are drawn 
with a brutal promptitude to quarrel, which is a dif- 
race to the well known humanity of their coun- 
tcv. The gentlemen of Ireland have doubtkis a 
quick fcnfcr of honour, and, like the gentlemen cf 
I'ngland, as v/cli as lilce the gentlemen of every other 
Ligh-fplritcd nation, ere perhaps unhappily too rca- 
10 draw the fword, \vhere they conceive themfelves 
iriurcd But to make them proud of a barbarous 
jv/optnfity to Duelling ; to mak^ them actually de- 
1'ght in ilx-trTufiGn of blood, is to fuften a very unjuft 
.-on their general character, and to ren- 


dcr them univerfally obnoxious to fociety. The 
Author of the School for Wives therefore, has given 
a different picture of Irifh manners, though in 
humble life, and flatters himfelf that thofe who arc 
really acquainted with the original, will acknow- 
lege it to be at lead a tolerable rejemblance. 

It would be ungrateful in the higheft degree to 
clcfe this preface, without acknowledging the very 
great obligations which the author has to Mr. 
Garrick. Every attention, which either as a ma- 
nager, or as a man, he could give to the intereft of 
the following play, he has bellowed with the moft 
generous alacrity -, but univerfally admired as he 
is at prefent, his intrinfic value will not be known, 
till his lofs is deplored ; and the public have great 
reafon to wifh, that this may be a very diftant 
event in t he annals of the theatre. The Epilogue 
fufficiently marks the mafterly hand from which 
it originated , fo does the comic commencement of 
the Prologue, and the elegant writer of the graver 
part, is a character of diftinguifhed eminence in 
the literary republic. 

It has been remarked with great juftice, that 
few new pieces were ever better performed than The 
$cbcol for Wives* Mr. King, that highly, deferving 



favourite of the town, was every thing the author 
could poflibly wifli in General Savage. Mr. Red- 
difh acquired a very confiderable ihare o-f merited 
reputation irr Belville. Mr. Moody is unequalkd 
in- his Irifhmen. Mr. Palmer, from his manner of 
fupportrng Leefbn, was entitled to a much better 
part : And Mr. \Vefton in Torington v/as admi- 
rable. Mifs Younsje, in Mrs. Belville, extorted 


applnufc from the cokkft auditor. Her ten- 

dernefs her force h:r pathos, were the true 

jerFufions of genius, and proved that (he 'has no 
fuperior where the feelings are to be intercfted. 
\Yith refpcd to Mrs. Abington, enough can never 
be faid. The elegance, the vivacity, the critical 
nicety with which me went through Mifs Wal- 
fingham, is only to be guefled at, by thofe who are 
familiar with the pe'riormance of that exquifite ac- 
trcls. Her Epilogue was delivered with an anima- 

tion not to be conceived, and manifefted the ftricl 


propriety, with \vhich- ihe is called the firft prieftcfs 
of the Comic Mule in this country. 

Jan. i, 1774. THE 














January i, 1774. 


Spoken by Mr. KIN G. 

coward be, wbe in this critick age, 
Dares fet bis foot upon the dangerous flage -, 
'Thefe boards, like Ice, your footing will betray, 
Who can tread fure upon a flipp'ry way ? 
Tet fome thro* five aRs, Jlide with wond'rous Jkill, 
Skim fwift along, turn, flop, or wind at will! 
Some tumble,, and get up ; fome rife no mere \ 
While cruel cri ticks watch them on the Jh ore, 
And at each ftumUe make a helli/h roar ! 
A wife Philofopher, hath truly noted, 
(His name I have forgot, tho' often quoted,) 
*That fne-fpun fpirits from the Jlightefl caufe, 
Draw to themselves affiittion, or applaufe : 
Si fares it with our Bard. Laft week he meets 
Some hawkers, roaring up and down the fereets. 
Lives, charatters, behaviour, parentage, 
Of fome who lately left the mortal ftage ! 
His ears fo caught the found, and worked his mind, 
He thought his owyjiame floated in the wind-, 
As thus " Here is a faithful, true relation, 
" Of the birth, parentage, and eaucation, 
** Laft dying fpeech, confejjion, character, 
*' Of the unhappy malefafferer, 
" And comick poet, Thomas Addle Brain ! 
" Who fuffer'd Monday loft at Drury Lam ; 
" All for the price of half -fenny a piece ," 
Still in his ears thefe horrid founds encreafe ! 
Try'd and condemned, half executed too \ 

the culprit , 'till reprieved by you. 



Enter Mifs Y O U N G E. 

Mils Y O U N G E. 
Pray give me leave I've fomething now to fay. 

Mr. KIN G. 

7j'/ at the School for Wives, you're taught this way? 
<I'bs School for Hufbands teaches to obey. 


// is -a Jhame, good Sirs, that brother King, 
T'fi joke and laughter, fvculd turn -every thing. 
Our frighted -poet would have no denial, 
But, begs me to fay fome thing on his trial ; 
The School for Wives, as it to us belongs , 
Should for cur t ufe be guarded -with our tongues. 
Ladies, prepare, arm well your brows and eyes, 
From thofe your thunder, thcfe your lightning flies. 
Should florins be riftng in the Pit look down, 
And (till the ivaves thus, fair ones, with a frown : 
Or Jljould the Galleries for war declare ; 
Look up y cur eyes will carry twice as far. 

* Our Bard, to noble triumphs points your wzy, 
Bids you in moral principles be gay ; 
Something he'd alter in ycur education, 
Something which hurling you, would hurt a nation : 
Ingenuous natures wijh you to reclaim ? 
By failing virtue you II infure your aim : 
That gilds with blifs the matrimonial hours, 
And blends her laurels with the fweeteft flowers. 

Ye married far ! deign to at lend our fchool, 
And w':tbci'.i ufurpation learn to rule : 
Soon will he ceafe mean objefis to purj'u-:, 
In conference wretched till he lives to yen ; 
Tour charms will reformations pain beguile^ 
And vice receive ajlab from every fmile. 

* The conclufion of the Prologue from thiiline is by another hand. 


Spoken by Mrs. ABINGTON. 


AN it le thought, ys wives f this fcribbliag 
Will draw you htre, by calling you to School? 
Does not be know, poor foul ! to be direfled, 
Is what you hate, and more to be correfte.l ! 
Long have thefe walls to public fame been known. 
An ancient College to inftruff the town ! 
We've Schools for Rakes, for Fathers, Lovers, Wives, 
For naughty girls and boys, t& mend their lives : 
Where feme to yawn, jome round about to look^ 
Some to be feen, few come to mind their book : 
Some with high wit and humour hither rnn 9 
To faeat the maftersand they call it fun. 
Some modijh fparks, trueftoicks, and high bred, 
Come, but ne'er know what's done, or Jung, or fai-d ; 
Should tbe whole herd of criticks round them roar y 1 
And with one voice cry out, encore ! encore ! > 

Or louder yet, off, off; no more ! no more ! J 

Should Pit, Box, Gall'ry with convulfionsfoakc, 
Still are they half ajleep, nor t'other half awake : 
O, ladies fair ! are theft fit men to wed ? 
Such hufbands, half, had better be quite dead. 
But, to return, vain men, throughout the nation^ 
Boaft, they alone, have College education : 
Are not we qualify d to take degrees ? } 

We've caps, and gowns, nay bands too, if you pleafe, > 
Cornelly's, and Almac k's, our Univerfities / j 

Young female ftudents rife, if girls of par ts^ 
From under graduates, miftrefTes of arts ! 
The ba/Jjful fpinftcrs, turn important fpoufes, 
Strive to be mailers, and the heads of houfes ! 
Will any of you here, bkft with a wife, 
Dilute the f aft, you dare net fcr your lift. 



Pray tell me truly, criticks, and be free, 
Do you this night prefer the Wife to me ? 
Shall Mrs. Bemlle^iw the Play a name ? 
What are her merits ? a cold, fmiling dame, 
While /, a falamander, liv'd in flame ! 
Prrfs'd by three lovers A 'twas indeed provoking ! 
Ladies, upon my word, it was no joking. 
Can you from mortal woman more require, 
Than favc her fingers, and yet play with fire ? 
The r:Jks I run, the partial bard upbraids , 
Wives won't be taught, be it the School for Maids. 

Dramatis Perfonae. 

M E N. 

General SAVAGE, Mr. KING, 

















A C T I. 

SCENE, an Apartment at BELVILLE'.*. 
Enter Captain SAVAGE, and Mifs WAL SING HAM. 

! ha! ha! Well, Mifs Walfmgham, 
this fury is going > what a noble peal me has 
rung in Belville's ears ! 

Mifs WAL. Did me fee you, Captain Savage ? 

CAPT. No, I took care of that ; for tho* Ihe is'n't 
married to my father, me has ten times the influence 
of a wife, and might injure me not a little with him, 
if I didn't fupport her fide of the queftion. 

Mifs WAL. It was a pleafant conceit of Mr. Bel- 
ville, to infmuate the poor woman was difordered in 
her fenfes ! 

CAPT. And did you obferve how the termagant's 
violence of temper, fupported the probability of the 
charge ? 

Mifs WAL. Yes, me became almoft frantic in re- 
ality, when me found herfelf treated like a mad- 

2 We S C II O O L for W I V E S. 

CAPT. Belville's affected furprife . too, was adnrL 
rable ! 

Mifs WAL. Yes, the hypocvirical compofure of his 
countenance, and his counterfeit pity for the poor 
woman, were intolerable ! 

CAPT. While that amiable creature,, his wife, im- 
plicitly believed every iyliable he laid 

Mifs WAL. And felt nothing; but pity for the ac- 
cufer, inflead of paying the leaft regard to the accu- 
fation. But pray, is it really under a pretence of 
getting the girl upon the rbige, that Belville has 
taken away Mrs. Tempeil's ne?cs from the people me 
boarded with ? 

CAPT. It is : Belville, ever on the look out for frefli 
objects, met Her in thofe primitive regions of purity, the 
Green-Boxes ; where, diicovering that fhs was paffion- 
ately defirous cf becoming an actrefs, he improved his 
acquaintance with her, in the fictitious character of 
an Irifh manager, and me eloped laft night, to be, as 
Jhe imagines, the heroine of a Dublin theatre. 

Mifs WAL. So, then, as he has kept his real name 
artfully conceai'd, Mrs. Tempeil can at moil but 
iufpect him of Mifs Leefon's feduction. 

CAPT. Of no more-, and this, only, from the 
defcription of the people y.'ho :w him in company 
with her at the play , but, I \viili the affair may not 
have a ferious ccnclufion -, for ilie has a brother, a 
very fpirited young teller.", v/lio is a council in the 
.Temple, and who will certainly call Belviile to an 
^account, the moment he hears of it. 

Af^rvVAL. And what w'.li become, of the poor 
creature after he has d:fcrted her? 

CAPT. You know that Belville is generous to nro- 
fufion, and has a thoufand good qualities to counter- 
balance this fingle fault of gallantry, which con- 
taminates his character. 

e SCHOOL for WIVES. 3 

vAL. You men ! you men! You are fuch/ 
wrenches that there's no havinsr a moment's fatisfac- 


tion with you! and what's ftill more provoking, 
there's no 'having a moment's fatisfaction without you !'- 

CAPT. Nay, don't think us all alike. 

Mijs WAL. I'll endeavour to deceive my&lf , for 
it is but a poor argument of your fincerity, to be 
the confidant of another's falfehood. 

CAPT. Nay, no more of this, my love ; no peo- 
ple live happier than Belville and his wife ; nor is 
there a man in England, notwithftanding all his 
levity, who eonfiders his .wife with a warmer degree 
of affection : if you have a friendfhip therefore, for 
her, let her continue in an error, fo necefiary to her 
repofe, and give no hint, whatever, of his gallantries 
to any body. 

Mifs WAL. If I had no pleafure in obliging you$ 
1 have too much regard for Mrs. Belville, not to 
follow your advice ; but you need not- enjoin me fo 
ilrongly on the lubject, when you know- 1 can" keep 
a fecret. 

CAPT. You are all goodnefs , and the prudence 
with which you have, conceal' d our private engage- 
ments,- has eternally oblig'd me , had you trufted the 
fecret even to Mrs. Belville, it wou'dn't have been'fafe; 
fhe wou'd have told her hufband, and he is fuch a 
rattlefkul, that, notwithftanding all his -regard for 
me, he wou'd have mention'*! it in ibme moment of 
levity, and fent it in a. courfe of circulation to my 

Mifs WAL. The peculiarity of your father's tem- 
per, join'd to my want of fortune, made it necefTary 
for me to keep our engagements inviolably fecret ; 
there is no merit, therefore, either in mv prudence', 
-or in my labouring afliduoufly to cultivate the good 
.opinion of the General , fmce both were fp necefc 

B 2 farf 

S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

ary to my own happinefs ; don't defpife me for thJ3 
acknowledgement now. 

CAPT. Bewitching Ibftnefs ! -But: yxir goodnefs, 
I flatter myfclf, will be fpeedily rewarded -, you are 
now fuch a favourite with him, that he is eternally 
talking of you , and I really fancy he means to pro- 
pofe you to me himfelf : for, laft nighr, in a few mi- 
nutes after he had declared you would make the be{ 
v> r ife in the world, he ferioufly afk'd me if I had any 
uvcrfion to matrimony ? 

Mifs WAI/, Why, that was a very great conceflion 
indeed, as he feldom ftopps to confult any body's 

CAPT. So it was, I aflure you ; for, in the arQny ? 
being ufed to nothing but command and obedience, 
he removes the diicipline of the parade into his 
family, and no more expects his orders fhou'd be dii- 
puted, in matters of a domeftic nature, than if they 
were deliver'd at the head of his regiment. 

Mifs WAL. And yet, Mrs. Tempeft, who you fay 
is as much a florm in her nature as her name, is dif- 
puting them eternally. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs: BELVILLE. 

BEL. Well, Mifs Walfingham, hav'n't we had a 
pretty morning's vifitor ? 

Mifs WAL. Really, I think fo , and I have been 
alking Capt. Savage, how long the lady has been dif- 
erdered in her fenks ? 

BEL. Why will they let the poor -woman abroad, 
without fome body to take care of her ? 

CAPT. O, me has her lucid intervals. 

JV///} WAL. I declare I fhall be as angry with you 
as I am with Belville. (afide to the Captain.) 

Mrs. BEL. You can't think how fenfibly me fpo^e 
at firft. 

BEL. I fhouki have had no conception of her mad- 



nefs, if fhe hadn't brought fo prepofterous a charge 

againft me. 

Enter a Servant. 

SER. Lady Rachel Mildew, Madam, fends her 
compliments, and if you are not particularly en- 
gaged, will do herfelf the pleafure of waiting upon 

Mrs. BEL. Our compliments, and we mail be glad 
to fee her Ladymip. [Ex. Servant. 

BSL. I wonder if Lady Rachel knows that Tor- 
rington came to town laft night from Bath ' 

Mrs. BEL. I hope he has found benefit by the 
waters, for he is one of the beft creatures exiiYmg ; 
he's a do\vnright parfon Adams, in good nature and 

Mifs WAL. Lady Rachel will be quite happy at 
his return, and it would be a laughable affair, if a 
match could be brought about between the old maid 
and the old bachelor. 

CAPT. Mr. Torrington is too much taken up A 
\Vefbminfter-Hall, to think of paying his devoirs to 
the ladies-, and too plain a fpeaker, I fancy, to be 
agreeable to Lady Rachel. 

BEL. You miltake the matter widely ; me is deep- 
ly fmitten with him ; but honeft Torrington is ut- 
terly unconfcious of his ccnqueft, and modeftly 
thinks that he has not a fmgle attraction for any 
woman in the uniyerfe. 

Mrs. BEL. Yet my poor aunt fpeaks fufficiently 
plain, in all confcience, to give him a different 
opinion of himfeif. 

Mifs WAL. Yes, and puts her charms intp fuch 
repair, whenever me experts to meet him, that her 
cheeks look for all the world like a rafberry ice upon 
a ground of cuftard. 

CAPT. I thought Apclh was the only god of Lady- 

6 <T/je S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

Rachel's idolatary, and that in her pafiion for poetry 
fhe had taken leave of all the Ids elevated affec- 

BEL. O, you miftake again ; the poets are etern- 
ally in love, and can by no means be calculated to 
defcribe the imaginary paffions, without being very 
fulceptible of the real ones. 

Enter Ben-ant. 

SER. The man. Madam, from Taviftock-ftreet, 
has brought home the drefles for the mafquerade, 
and defires to know if there are any c- .3 for 


Mrs. BEL. O, bid him {lay till we fee the dr 

[Ex. &v-:\:;;/. 

M/fs WAL. They are only Dcminos. 

BEL. I am glad of that ; for characters are as dif- 
ficult to be fupported at the mafquerade, as they are 
in real life. The laft time I was at the Pantheon, a 
veftal virgin invited me to fup with her, and (wore 
that her pocket had been pick'd by a Juftice of 

Mifs WAL. Nay, that was not fo bad, as the 
Hamlet's Ghoft that box'd with Henry the Eighth, 
and afterwards danc'd a hornpipe to the tune of Nancy 
Dawfon. Ha ! ha ! ha ! We follow you, Mrs. 
Belville. [Exeunt. 

Scene changes to LEESON'^ Chambers in the 
Enter LEESON. 

LEES. Where is this clerk of mine ? Connolly ! 
CON. (U:h:d) Here, Sir ! 

LEES. Have you copied the marriage fettlement, 
'as I corrected it : 

. CON. (Enters 'xit'h pftols) Ay, honey, an hour ago. 
LEES. What, you have bcren trying thofe piftols ? 


Me S C H O O L for W I V E S. j 

. CON. By my foul, I have been firing them this half 
hour, without once being able to make them go off. 

LEES. They are plaguy dirty. 

Cox. In troth, ib they are : I. drove to brighten 
them up a little, but fome misfortune attends every 
thing I .do, for the more I clane them, the dirtier 
they are, honey. 

LEES. You have- had fome of our ufual daily vifi- 
tors for money, I fuppofe ? ; 

CON. You may lay that; and three or four of 
them are now hanging about the cjoor, that I wifh 
handfomely hang'd any where elfe, forybodering us. 

LEES. No joking, Connolly ! my>prefent fituation 
is a very difagreeable one. , ... 

CON. Faith,' and fo it is ; but: who 1 - makes it difa- 
reeable ? your Aunt Tempeft would let you have as 
much money as you pleafe, but you won't condefcend 
to be acquainted with her, though people in this 
country can be very intimate friends, without jpeing 
one anothers faces for feven years. 

LEES. Do you think me bale enough to receive a 
favour from a woman, who has difgraced her family, 
and {loops to be a kept miftrefs ? you fee, my filler is 
already ruin'd by a connection with her. 

CON. Ah, Sir, a good guinea isn't the worfe for 
coming through a bad hand : if it was, what would 

C* O * 

become of us lawyers ? and by my foul, many a high 
head in London would, at this minute, be very 
low, if they hadn't rf cieved favours even from much 
worfe people than kept miftreffes. 

LEES. Others, Connolly, may proftitute their 
honour, as they pleafe ; mine is my chief pofiefnon, 
and I muil take particular care of it. 

CON. Honour, to be fure, is a very fine thing, 
Sir ; but I don't fee how it is to be .taken care of, 
without a little money ; your honour, to my know- 
ledge, has'n't been in your own pofleffion thefe t\vo 


S Me S C H O O L for WIVES. 

years, and the devil a crum can you honeftly fwear 
by, till you get it out of the hands of your creditors. 

LEES. 1 have given you a licence to talk, Con- 
nolly, lecaufe I know you faithful j but I hav'n'c 
given you a liberty to fport with my misfortunes. 

CON. You know Pd die to ferve you, Sir } but of 
what ufe is your giving me leave to fpake, if you oblige 
me to hould my tongue ? 'tis out of pure love and 
affection that I put you in mind of your misfortunes. 

LEES. Well, Connolly, a few days will, in all pro- 
bability, enable me to redeem my honour, and to re- 
ward your fidelity ; the lovely Emily, you know, 
has' half confented to embrace the firft opportunity 
of flying with me to Scotland, and the paltry trifles 
I owe, will not be mifs'd in her Fortune. 

CON. But, dear Sir, confideryou are going to fight 
i duel this very evening, and if you fhou'd be kilt, 
I fancy you will find it a little difficult, to run away 
afterwards with the lovely Emily. 

LEES. If I fall, there will be an end to my mil- 

CON. But furely it will not be quite genteel, to go 
out of the world without paying your debts. 

LEES. But how fhaU I ftay in the world, Connolly, 
without punifhing Belville for ruining my filter ? 

CON. O, the devil fly away with this honour ; an 
ounce of common fenfe, is worth a whole mip load 
of it, if we mud prefer a bullet or a halter, to a 
fine young lady and a great fortune. 

LEES. We'll talk no more on the fubje<5t at pre- 
fent. Take this letter to Mr. Belville , deliver it into 
his own hand, be fure ; and bring me an anfwer : 
make hafle ; for I mail not ftir out till you come back. 

CON. By my foul, I wilh you may be able to ilir 
out then, honey. O, but that's true ! 

LEES. What's the matter ? 

CCN. Why, Sir, the gentleman I Lift liv'd clerk 


S C H O O L for W I V E S. 9 

v'th, died lately and left me a legacy of twenty 

LEES. What! is Mr. Stanley dead ? 

CON. Faith, his friends have behav'd very unkindly 
if he is not, for they have buried him thcie iix weeks. 

LEES. And what then ? 

COST. Why, Sir, I received my little legacy this 
morning, and if you'd be fo good as to keep it for-' 
me, Td be much obliged to you. 

LIES. Connolly, I underiland you, but I am 
already fhamtfully in your debt : you've had n. 
money from me this age. 

CON. O Sir, that docs not fignify , if you are not 
Ivilt in this ciamn'd duel, you'll be able enough so 
pay me : if you are, I ftjan't want it. 

LEES. Why fo, my poor fellow ? 

Cox. Becaufe, tho' I am but your cK'rk, znd tho' 
I think fighting the moil foolifh thine upon earth, 
Tm as much a gintleman as yourfeit, and have 
as much right to a murder in the way of' 

LEES. And what then ? You have no quarrel with 
Mr. Bdvillc ? 

CON. I mall have a cfomn'd quarrel with him tho* 
if you are kiit : your death fhall be reveng'd, de- 
pend upon it, fo let that content you. 

. LEES. My dear Connolly, I hope I fhar* s t want 
fuch a proof of your arTlclion. Kow he diiVr^iTcs 
me ! 

CON. You will want a fecond, I fuppofe, in this 
affair : I flood fecond to my own brother, in the r- it- 
teen Acres, and tho' that has made me Retell the very 
thought of duelling ever fince ; yet if you want a 
friend, Til attend you to the field of death with a 
great deal of latrbfa&ion, 

LEES. I thask you, Connolly, but I think it ex- 
tremely wrong in any man who has a quarrel, to ex- 


io. ne SCHOOL for WIVES. 

pofe his irtnd to difficulties ; we fhou'dn't feek for 
redrefs, ir ve :.r: not equal to the talk of fighting or 
own b::Lt:cbi . nc! I chooie you particularly, to carry 
my IcLter Ix-cau'e, you may be iuppofcd ignorant of 
the contents, and thtAL-ht to be. acting only in. th4 
ordinary c,.UiIe of your buf|ne& 

CON Say no more about it, honey ; I will be back 
with you prcfenily. (sting, returns.) I put the twenty 
givneas in your pocket, before; you were up, Sir; 
and I don't believe you'd look for fuch a thing there, 
if I wasn't to tell you of it. [Exit. 

LEES, This faithful, noble-hearted creature !-^- 
but let me fly from thought ; the bufmefs I have to 
execute, will not bear the ttft of reflection, [Exit. 

Re-enter CONNOLLY. 

CON. As this is a challenge, I fhou'dn't go with- 
out a fwcrd , come down, little tickle -pitcher, 
(iakes a faord.) Some people may think me very. 
conceited now ; but: as the dirtied black legs in town 
can wear one without being flared at, I don't think 
it can luffcr any diigrace by the fide of an honefl man, 


SCENE changes ts'cn Apartment at BSLVILLE'S. ^ 
Enter Mrs. BELVILLE, 

Mrs. BSL. How ftrangcly this affair of Mrs. 
peft hangs upon ir,y Ipirits, thp' I hav every reaibn, 
from the tenderncfs, the politencfs, and the genero- 
fity of Mr. Belvillc, as well as from the woman's 
behaviour, to believe the whole charge the refult of 
a clHhirb'u imagination. Yet funpofe it fnouid be ac- 
tually true : hcigho ! Vrell, iuppofe it Ihou'd ; I 
wou'd endeavour I think I wou'd endeavour to keep 
my temper : a frowning face never recovered a heart 
that was not to be fix'd with a fmiling one : but wo- 
men, in general, forget this grand article of the. ma- 


S C H O O L for W I V S. i r 

trimonJal creed entirely ; the dignity of infulted 
virtue obliges them to play the fool, whenever their 
Corydons play the libertine; and poh ! they muft 
pull down the houfe about the traitor's ears, tho* 
they are themfelves to be crufli'd in pieces by the 

Enter a Servant. 
SER. Lady Rachel Mildew, madam. [Exit Ser. 


Lady RACH. My dear, how have you done fince 
the little eternity of my lad feeing you. Mr. Tor- 
rington is come to town, I hear; 

Mrs. BEL. He is, and muft be greatly flattered to 
find that your Ladymip has made him the hero of 
your new comedy. 

Lady RACH. Yes, I have drawn him as he iSj an 
honeft practitioner of the law , which is I fan-cy no 
very common character-- 

Mrs. BEL. And it muft be a vaft acquifition to 
the Theatre. 

Lady RACK* Yet the managers of both houfes have 
refilled my play , have rcfufecl it peremptorily ! tho 3 
I offer'd to make them a prefent of it. 

Mrs. BEL. That's very iurpr.zing, when you offered 
to make them a prefent of it. 

Lady RACH. They alledge that the audiences are 
tired of crying at comedies ; and infill that my De- 
fpairing Shepherdels is abfolutely too diinial for re- 

Mrs. BSL. What, tho' you have introduced a law^ 
yer in a new light ? 

Lady RACH. Yes, and hare a boardinofchool 
romp, that her mother's face, and throws a 
bafon of fcalding water at her governefs. 

Mrs. BEL. Why, furely, thcfe are capital jokes ! 
C 2 

12 Me S CIIO OL for WIVE?. 

Lady RACH. But the managers can't find them 
out. However, I am determined to bring it out 
iumewhere; and I have diicover'd fuch a treafurc for 
niy hoardifigtichooi romp, as exceeds the moil ua- 
.guine expectation of critic iim. 

A.'/J. BEL. How fortunate ! 

Lady RACH. Going ^o Mrs. Le Blond, my mille- 
ner's, this mo/nrng, to fee fome contraband filks, 

you know there's a foreign miniflcr juit arriv'd) 
I heard a loud voice rehtarfing Juliet, from the 
dining-room ; and upon enquiry found that it was a 
.country girl, juil elop'd from her friends in town, to 
.go upon the ilage with an Irifh manager. 

Mrs. BEL. Ten to one, the ftrange woman's neice, 
.who has been here this morning. (ajide. 

] tit'y RACH. Mrs. Le Blond has fome doubts about 
the manager it iecms, though me hasn't fecn him 
yet, becauie the apartments are very expenfive, and 
\vere taken by a fine gentleman out of livery. 

Mrs. BEL. What am I to think of this ? Pray, 
Lady Rachel, as you have convers'd with this young 
aclrefs, J fuppoie you could procure me a fight of 

Lady RACH. This moment if you will, I am very 
intimate with her already; but pray keep the matter 
a fccret from your hulband, for he is lo witty, you 
know, upon my pnflion for the drama, that I iliall 
be teized to death by him. 

Afrs. BI.L. O, you may be very fure that your fe- 
cret ii fare, for I have a moft particular reafon to keep 

;rn Mr. Belville ; but he is coming rhis way with 
Captain Savage, let us at preicnt avoid him. [Exeunt. 

Enter BELVILLE, and Captain SAVAGE. 

CAFT. YOU are a very flrange man, Belville , you 
sue for ever tremblingly folicitous about the hap- 


rite SCHOOL fir WIVES. 15 

pinefs of your wife, yet for ever endangering it by 
your pallion for variety. 

BEL. Why, there is certainly a contradiction be- 
twetn my principles and my practice , but, if ever you 
marry, you'll be able to reconcile it perfectly. Pot- 
ieffion, Savage ! O, pofieffion, is a miierable whetter 
of the appetite in love ! and I own myfelf lo fad a 
fellow, that though I wou'dn't exchange Mrs. Bel- 

O O 

ville's mind for any woman's upon earth, there is 
fcarcely a woman's perfon upon earth, which is not 
to me a ftronger object of attraction. 

CAPT. Then perhaps in a little time you'll be 
weary of Mils Leefon ? 

BEL. To be lure I fhall -, though to own the truth, 
I have not yet carried my point conclufively with the 
little monkey. 

CAPT. Why how the plague has fhe efcap'd a 
moment in your hands ? 

BEL. By a mere accident. She came to the lodg- 
ings, which my man Spruce prepar'd for her, rather un- 
expectedly lalt night, fo that I happened to be en- 
gaged particularly in another quarter you unde,'- 
liand me and the damn'd aunt found me fo much 
employment all the morning, that I could only fend 
a meiiuge by Spruce, promifmg to call upon her the 
firft moment 1 had to fpare in the courfe of trie day. 

CAPT. And fo your are previoufly fatisfied that 
you lhall be tired of her. 

BEL. Tir'd of her r Why I am at this moment 
in purfuit of frefh game, againft the hour of 
fatiety : Game that you know to be exquifite ! and 
I fancy I mail bring it down, though it is clofely 
guarded by a. deal of that pride, which paffes for 
virtue with the generality of your mighty good 

CAPT. Indeed ! and may a body know this wonder ? 

14 Me SCHOOL for WIVES. 

BEL. You are to be trufted with any thing, fof 
you are the clofeft fellow I ever knew, and the rack 
itfelf would hardly make you difcover one of your 
own fecrets to any body what do you think of 
Mifs Walfingham ? 

CAPT. Mils Walfingham ? Death and the devil ! 


BEL. Mifs Walfingham: 

CAPT. Why furely flie has not received your ad- 
dreffes with any degree of approbation ? 

BEL. With every degree of approbation I cou'd 

CAPT. She has ? 

BEL. Ay : Why this news furprifes you ? 

CAPT. It does indeed ! 

BEL. Ha, ha, ha ! I can't help laughing to think 
what a happy dog Mifs Walfingham's hufband is 
likely to be ! 

CAPT. A very happy dog, truly ! 

BEL. She's a delicious girl, is'n't me, Savage ? 
but lhe'11 require a little more trouble ; for a fine 
woman, like a fortified town, to fpeak in your fa- 
ther's language, demands a regular fiege ; and we muft 
even allow her the honours of war, to magnify the 
greatnefs of our own victory, 

CAPT. Well, it amazes me how you gay fellows 
ever have the prelumption to attack a woman of 
principle ; Mifs Walfingham has no apparent levity 
of any kind about her. 

BEL. No; but me continued in myhoufe, after I 
had whifpered my paflion in her ear, and gave me a 
fecond opportunity of addrcfling her improperly j 
what greater encouragement cou'd I defire ? 

Enter SPRUCE. 

Well, Spruce, what are your commands ? 
SPRUCE. My Lady is juft gone otic with Lady 
Rachel, Sir, BIL. 

BEL. I underftand you. 

SPRUCE. I believe you do. {Afide.} [Exit. 

CAPT. What is the Englifh of thefc fignificant 
looks between Spruce and you ? 

BEL. Only that Mifs Walfingham is left alone, 
and that I have now an opportunity of entertaining 
her , you muft excufc me, Savage ; you muft upoa 
my foul; but not a word of this affair to any body; 
becaufe when I fliake her off my hands, there may 
be fools enough to think of her, upon terms of ho- 
nourable matrimony. [Exit 

CAPT. So, here's a difcovery ! a precious difco- 
very ! and while I have been racking my imagina- 
tion, and facrificing my intereft, to promote the 
happinefs of this woman, fhe has been liftening to 
the add refTls of another; to the addreffes of a mar- 
ried man ! the huiband of her friend, and the imme- 
diate friend of her intended huiband ! By Belville's 
own account, however, fhe has not yet proceeded to 
any criminal lengths But why did fhe keep the affair 
a fecret from me ? or why did fhe continue in his 
houfe after a repeated declaration of his unwarrantable 
attachment r What's to be dene? If I open my 
engagement with her to Belville, I am furc he will in- 
ftantly defift -, but then her honour is left in a ftate 
extremely queflionable It mail be ftill concealed 
While it remains unknown, Belville will himfelftell 
me every thing ; and doubt, upon an occafion of 
this nature, is infinitely more iniupportable than the 
downright falfehood of the woman whom we love. 


END of the FIRST ACT. 



SCENE, an Apartment in General SAVAGE'S 

Enter General SAVAGE, and TORRINGTON. 

Z T T 
OUNDS ! Torrington, give me quarter,- 

when I lurrender up my Iword: I own that for thde 
v L y years, I have betn fuffcring all the incon- 
veniences of marriage, without tailing any one of 
its comforts, and rejoicing in an imaginary freedom,! 
v/hiie I was really grovelling m chains. 

TOR. In the dirtieil chains upon earth; yet you 
vrou'dn't be convincM, but laugh'd at all your mar-, 
ried acquaintance as .Haves, when not one of tlvTn 
put up with half fo much from the woril wife, as 
you were obliged to crouch under, from a. kept mil- 



GEN. *Tis too true. But, you know, fhf focrificed 
.'nuch for rue ; you know that iht- was ine widow 
of a coiond, and refus'd two very advr.ntageous 
matches on my account. 

TOR. If me was the w: i judge, and had re- 

fufed 2. high chancellor, fht: was (till a dcvi] incar-. 
n <tr, and you were of courfe a madman to live with 

GEN. You don't remember her care of me when 
J have been lick. ' 

TOR. I.rec^lJeft, . bovrever, h^r ufage of you m 
health, an'j you may <atViy find a tcnocrcr nurfe, when 
you arc b jund over by the gout or the riieuLTutifm. 
2 GEN 

Vie SCHOOL fir WIVES. 17 

GEN. Well, well, I agree with you that fhe is a 
devil incarnate ; but I am this day determined to part 
with her for ever. 

TOR. Not you indeed. 
GEN. What, don't I know my own rhind ? 
TQR. Not you indeed, when ihe is in the q-ucftion j 
with every bodyelfe, your refolution is as unalterable 
as a determination in the houfe of" peers , but Mrs. 
Tempeft is your fate, and Ihe reveries your decrees 
with as little difficulty as a fraudulent debtor now-a- 
days procures his certificate under a commiflion of 

GEN. Well if, like the Roman Fabius, I conquer 
by delay, in the end, there will be no great reafon to 
find fault with my generalfhip. The propofal of 
parting now comes from herielf. 

TOR. O, you darn't make it for the life of you. 
GEN. You muft know that this morning we had a 
fmart carrnoranading on Be-Wille's account, and fhe 
threatens, as 1 told you before, to quit my houfc if 
I don't challenge him for taking away her ne : ce. 

O . ' I 

Ton, That fellow is the very dev'l among the 
women, and yet there isn't a man in England fonder 
of his wife. 

GEN. Poh, if the young minx hadn't furrenderd 
to him, fhe would have capitulated to iornebody 
elfe, and. I fhall at this time be doubly obliged to 
him, if he is any ways inilrumentar in getting the 
aunt off my hands. 

TOR. Why at this time ? 

GEN-. Eecaufe to mew you how fix'cl my refolutiort 
is to be a keeper no longer, I mean to marry im- 

TOR. And can't you avoid being prefs'd to death, 
like a felon who refufes to plead, without incurring 
a fentence of perpetual imprifonment ? 

GN. I fancy you would yourfelf have no ob- 
D jeftioh 


jection to a perpetual imprifonment in the arm* of 
Mil's Walfmgham. 

'TOR. But have you any reafon to think that iipoi 
examination in a cafe of love, flic would give a fa- 
vourable reply to your interrogatories ? 

GEN. The greateft do vou think I'd hazard fuch 
an engagement without being perfectly lure of my 
ground ? Notwith (landing my prefect connection 
won't fufier me to fee a modeil woman at my own 
houfe She always treats me with particular attention 
whenever I vifit at Belville's, or meet her any where 
elfe If fifty young fellows are preient, me directs all 
her alliduities to the old fbldier, and my fon has a 
thov.iand times told me that me prcfcfTes the higheft 
opinion of my underftanding. 

TOR. And truly you give a notable proof of your 
underftanding, in thinking of a woman almoft young 
enough to be your grand-daughter. 

GEN. Noshing like an experienc'd chief to com- 
mand in any garriibn. 

TOR. Recollect the ftate of your prefent citadel. 

GEN. Well, if I am blown up by my own mine, I 
ftiall be the only fufferer There's another thing I 
want to talk of, I am going to marry my fon to Mils 

TOR. Mifs Moreland I- 
GEN. Belville's filter. 

TOR. O, ay, I remember that Moreland had got a 
good eftate to a Mil me the name of Belville. 

GEN. I have'nt yet mcntion'd the matter to my 
ion. but I fettled the affair with trie girl's mother 
yeilerday, and me only waits to communicate it to 
Belvilie, who is her oracle, you know. 

TOR. And are you fure the captain will like her? 

GEN. I am not fo unreafonable as to infill upon his 
liking her, I mall only infiit upon his marrying her. , 
. TOR. What, whether he likes her OF not ? 

The SCHOOL for WIVE S. 19 

GEN. When I iffue my orders, I expect them to be 
obey'd -, and don't look for an examination into their 

Xoji. What a delightful thing it muft be r.o live 
under a military government, where a man is not tq 
be troubled with the exercile of his underftanding. 

GEN. Mifs Moreland has thirty th ;u!and pounds 
That's a iarge ium of ammunition money. 

TOR. Ay, a marriage merely on the ioore of 
fortune, is only gilding the death-warrant lent dowij 
ibr the execution of a priioner. However as I know 
your obilinate attachment to wjiat you cace refolvc, 
I ihan't pretend to argue with you. ; where are the 
papers which you want me to confider ? 

GEN. They arc in my library File of! with me to 
the next room and they mall be laid before you > 
But firft I'll order the chariot, for the moment I have 
your opinion, I purpofe to iii down regularly Before. 
Mils Walfingham who waits .there? 


Enter a feri'axt. 

GEN. Is Mrs. Tempeft at home ? 

SERV. Yes, Sir, jxilt-come in,, and juft going oivt 

GEN. Very well , order the chariot to be got ready. 

SERV. Sir, one of the pannels was broke laft nigiis 
at the Opera-houfe. 

GEN. Sic, I d dn't call to have the pleafure of your 
converiation, but to have obedience paid to rny. 

TOR. Go order the chariot, you blockhead. 

SERV. With the broken pannel, Sir. 

GEN. Yes, you raical, if both pannels were broke, 
and the back mattered to pieces. 

SERV. The coachman thinks that one of the wheel* 
ks damag'd, Sir. 

GSN. Doji't attempt to reafon, you dog, but e^e- 
D 2 cute 

20 f&e S CH O O L for WIVES. 

cute your orders. Bring the chariot without th$ 

\vheeis if you can't bring it with them. 

TOR. Ay bring it, if you reduce it to a fledge, and 
let your rr. after look like a malefactor for high trea- 
ibn, on his journey to Tyburn. 

L:~er frlrs. TEMPEST. 

Mrs. TEMP. General Savage, is the houfe to be 
for ever a icene of noife with your domineering ? 
The clruiot ihan't be brought it won't be fit for 
uk 'till it is repaired and John, fhall drive it this 
very minute to the coach-makers. 

GEN. Nay, my dear, if it isn't fit for ufc that's 
another thing. 

Ton. Here's the experienced chief that's fit to com- 
mand in any ^urrifcn. (afide.) 

GEN. Go order me the coach then. (to the Ser* 
- Mrs. TEMP. You can't have the coach. 

GEN. And why fo, my love. 

Mrs. TEMP. Becaufe I want it for myfelf. Robert, 
get a hack for your mailer tho' indeed I don't fee 
what bufmefs lie has out of the houfe. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Te^npeft axd Robert. 

TOR. When you ifTue your orders, you expect 
them to be cbey'd, and don't look for an examin- 
ation into their propriety. 

GEX. The fury ! this has fteePd me againft her 
for ever, and nothing en earth can now prevent me 
fr,om drumming her out immediately. 

Mrs. TEMP, (behind) An unreasonable old fool- 
But I'll make Kirn know who governs th,is houfe ! 

GEN. Zounds ! here me comes again ; me has been 
lying in ambufcade, I fuppofe, aud has over heard 

TOR. What if &v has ? you are fteePd againft her 
fdr ever. 
- Gxix. No y ihe's not coming -Ihe's going down 


Jtairs , and now, dear Torrington, you mufl be 
as filent as a fentinel on an out-poft about this 
affair. If that virago was to hear a fyllable of it, 
|he might perhaps attack Mifs Walfmgham in her 
very camp, and defeat my whole plan of operations. 
TOR. I thought you were determin'd^to drum her 
out immediately. [Exeunt. 

The SCENE changes to BELVILLE'S. 
Enter Mifs WAI.SINGHAM, folio-wed by BELVILLE. 

JW//}WAL. I beg, Sir, that you will infult me no lon- 
ger with felicitations of this nature Give me proofs 
of your fincerity indeed ! What proofs of fmcerity can 
your fituation admit of, if I could be even weak 
enough to think of you with partiality at all ? 
. BEL. If our affections, Madam, were under the 
government of our realbn, circumftanced as I am, 
this unhappy bofom wouldn't be torn by paffion for 
Mifs Walfmgham. Had I been blefs'd with your 
acquaintance, before I faw Mrs. Belville, my hand 
as well as my heart, wou'd have been humbly of- 
fer'd to your acceptance fate, however, has or- 
dered it otherwife, and it is cruel to reproach me 
with that fituation as a crime, which ought to be 
pitied as my greateft misfortune. 

Mifs WAL. He's a6uially forcing tears into his 
eyes. However, I'll mortify him feverely. (afide.) 

BEL. But fuch proofs of fmcerity as my fituation 
can admit of, you mall yourfelf command, as my 
only byfinefs in exiftence is to adore you. 

Mifs V/AL. His only bufmefs in exigence to adore 
me. (afide.) 

BEL. Proftrate at your feet, my deareft Mifs Wal- 
fmgham (kneeling) behold a heart eternally devoted 
to your fervice. You have too much good fenfe, 
Madam, to be the Have of cuftorn, and too much 
humanity not to piry the wreGchedngft you have-. 


2 T&e SCHOOL for WIVES. 

eanfed. Only, therefore, fay that you commiferate 
my fufferiiiop I'll aik no more and lurely that 
may be faid, without any injury to your purity, 
to thatch even an enemy from diftraftion wherc's 
my handkerchief ? (afide. 

' Mffs WAL. Now to anfvver in his own way, and 
to make him ridiculous to himfeif (afide.} If I 
thought, if I could think (offering to weep} that 
thefe protections were real. 

BEL. How can you, Madam, be fo unjuft to 
your own merit ? how can you be fo cruelly doubt- 
~&\\ of my folemn affeverations ? Here I again kneel, 
;ind fwear eternal love i 

Af//i WAL. I don't know -what to fay but there 
is one proof (afie&ing to weep.) 

BEL. Name it, my angel, this moment, and make 
ir,c the happieft of mankind \ 

Mifs WAL. Swear to be mine for ever. 

BEL. 1 have fworn it a thonfand times, my 
chirmer -, and I will iwear it to the laft moment of 
my life. 

Stiffs WAL. Why then but don't look at me I 
bcfeech. you I don't know how to fpeak it 

BEL. The delicious emotion do not check the 
generous tide of tenderncis that fills me with fuch 

Mifs WAL. You'll defplfe me for this weaknefs. 

BEL. This v/caknefs this generofiry which will 
demand my cyerlafting gratitude. 

Mijs WAL. I arn a fool but there is a kind of 
fatality in this affair and I do confent to go off 
with you. 
I* BEL. Eternal blcflings on your condefcenfion. 

Mifi WAL. You are irrefifliblc, and I am ready 
to fiy with you to any part of the world. 

BEL. Fly to any part of the world indeed-' you 
fhali fiy by yourfeif then; (s/^'O You are the 



moft lovely, the mofl tender creature in the world-, 
and thus again let me thank you : O, Mifs Wa- 
fmgham, I cannot exprefs how happy you've made 
me ! But where's the neceffity of our leaving Eng- 
land ? - 

Mifs WAL. I thought he wouldn't like to go 
abroad (a/ide.) That I may poffefs the pieafure of 
your company unrivaled. 

BEL. I muft cure her of this tafle for travellin 

Mifs WAL. You don't anfwer, Mr. Belville? 

BEL. Why I was turning the confequence of your 
propofal in my thoughts, as going off going off- 
you know. - 

Mifs WAL. Why going off, you know, is going off 
And what objections can you have to going off? 

BEL. Why going off, will fubjecft you at a cer- 
tainty, to the (lander of the world; whereas by flaying 
at home, we may not only have numberlefs oppor- 
tunities of meeting, but at the lame time prevent fufpi- 
cion it felf, from ever breathing on your reputation. 

Mifs WAL. J didn't dream of your ftarting ar.j- 
difficulties, Sir. Juit now I was dearer to you than 
all the world. 

BEL. And fo you are, by heav'n \ 

Mifs WAL. Why won't you facrilice the world then 
at once to obtain me ? 

BEL. Surely, my dearelt life, you muft know'the 
neceffity, which every man of .honour is under- of 
keeping up his character ? 

Mifs WAL. So, here's thi* fellow fwearing to tea 
thouiand lies, and yet talking very gravely about his 
honour and his character, [a/id?.) Why, to be lure 
in thefe days, Mr. Belville, the inftances of conjugal 
infidelity are fo very fcarce, and men of faihion are 
fo remarkable for a tender attachment to their wivesi 
that I don't wonder at your circumfpe&ion But d^ 


24 7& SCHOOL for WIVES. 

you think I can {loop to accept you by halves, or 
admit of any partnerfhip in your heart ? 

BEL. O you muft do more than that, if you have 
any thing to fay to me. (cfidt.') Surely, Madam, 
when you know my whole foul unalterably your own, 
you will permit me to preferve- thole appearances with 
the world, which are indifpenfibly requifite Mrs. Bel- 
ville is a mod excellent woman, however it may be 
my fortune to be devoted to another Her happinefs, 
befides, conftitutes a principal part of my felicity, and 
if I was publicly to forfake her, I mould be hunted as 
a monfter from fociety. 

Mifs WAL. Then, I fuppofe, it is by way of pro- 
moting Mrs. Belville's rcpoie, Sir, that you make 
love to other women -, and by way of mewing the 
nicety of your honour, that you attempt the pu- 
rity of fuch as your own roof, peculiarly, intitles to 
protection. For the honour intended to me thus 
low to the ground, I thank you, Mr. Belville. . 

BEL. Laugh'd at, by all the flings cf mortification ' 

Mifs WAL. Good bye. Don't let this accident 
mortify your vanity too much ; - but take care, the 
next time you vow everlaiting love, that the object 
is neither tender enough to fob fob at your dif- 
trefs ; nor provoking enough to make a propcfal of 
leaving England. How greatly a little common fenie 
can lower thefe feliov/s of extraordinary impudence ? 


BEL. (alone,} So the?, I sm fairly taken in, and fhc 
has been only diverting herfelf with me all this time : - 
however, lady fair, I may chance to have the laugh 
in a little time on rny fide ; for if you can fport in 
this manner about the fiame, I think it mull in the 
run lay hold of your wings : what mall I do in this 
affair? fhe fees the matter in its true light, rnd 
there's no eocd to be expected from thumping of 
befbms, or iqucezing white handkerchiefs , no tnelef 

The S C HO O L fir W I V E S. 25 

won't do with women of fenfe, and in a fhort time, 
they'll be ridiculous to the very babies of a board- 

Enter Captain SAVAGE. 

CAPT. Well, Bclville, what news ? You have had 
a frelh opportunity with Mifs Walfmgham. 

BEL. Why, faith, Savage > I've had a mofl extra- 
ordinary fccne with her, and yet have but little rea- 
fon to brag of my good fortune, tho' ihe ofFer'd in 
cxprefs terms to run away with me, 

CAPT. Prith'ee explain yourfelf, man j fhe cou'dn't 
furely be fo fhamelefs ! 

BEL. O, her offering to run away with me, was 
by no means the worft part of the affair. 

CAPT. No, then it muil be damn'd bad indeed ! 
but prith'ee, hurry to an explanation. 

BEL. Why then, the woril part of ths affair is, 
that fhe was Luighing at me the whole time j and 
made this propofal of an elopement, with no ether 
view, than to fhew me in ftrong colours to mylelf, 
as a very dirty fellow to the bell wife in England. 

CAPT. I am eafy. (afide. 

Enter SPRUCE. 

SPRUCE. Sir, there is an Irifh gentleman below 
with a letter for you, who will deliver it to nobody 
but yourfelf. 

BEL. Shew him up then, 

SPRUCE. Yes, Sir. [Exit, 

CAPT. It may be on bufmefs Eelville, 1*11 take 
my leave of you. 

BEL O, by no means ; I can have no bufmefs \vtrch 
I defire to keep from you, tho' you are the arrant'ft 
mifer of your confidence upon earth, and wou'd ra- 
ther truil your life in any body's hands, than even 
a paltry amour with the apprentice of a millener. 

E Ent* 

26 We S C H O O L for W I V E S. 


CON. Gintlemin, your molt obedient ; pray which 
of you is Mr. Bclviiic ? 

BEL, My name is Belville, at your fervice, Sir. 
CON. I have a little bit of a letter for you, Sir. 
BEL. (Reads.) 

S I R, 

he people where Mifi Leefcn lately lodgd, affertinr 
pc/iiivtly that you hcvc taken her c,<way in a fic- 
tlticiis character, tkc brother of that v:; happy girt, 
think- hlmfelf cbligd to demand fattsfafficn, fcr 
the injury which you have done bis family \ tho* a 
fir anger to your perfoii, he is fitffici&ith acquainted 
with y cur reputation fcr fpirit, and jkall^ there- 
fore, make no doubt cf feeing you iL'iih a cafe cf 
piftols, near the Ring in Hyde Park, at eight o\lcck 
this evening, to c.nfaer the claims of 

To Craggs Bdviile,,Efq. George Leefon. 

CAPT. Eight o'clock in the evening ' 'tis a ftrapge 
time ' 

CON. Why fo, honey ? A fine evening is as good 
a time for a bad aft ion as a fine morning ; and if a 
man of fenfe can be fuch a fool as to fight a duel, 
he fhou'd never deep upon the matter, for the more 
he thinks of it, the more he mnft feel himfelf afham'd 
of his refolution. 

BEL. A pretty letter ! 

CON. O yes, an invitation to a brace of bullets is 
a very pretty thing. 

BEL. For a challenge, however, 'tis very civilly 
written ! 

CON. Faith, if it was written to me, I fhou'dn't 
be very fond of fuch civility ; I wonder he doesrv't 
fign himfclf, rour mcfl obedient fervant. 


The S C H O O L for W I V E S. 27 

CAPT. I told you LeeforTs character, and what 
wcu'd become of this darnn'd bufineis ; but your af- 
fairs arc.- they fettled, Belville ? 

BEL. O they are always fettled for as this is a 
country where people occasionally die, 1 take conftant 
care to be prepared for contingencies. 

CON. Occasionally die ! I'll be v,ery much oblig'd 
to you , Sir, if you tell me the country where people 
do not die ? for I'll immediately go and end my days 

BEL. Ha! ha! ha! 

CON, Faith, you may laugh gintlemin, but tho' I 
am a foolilh Irifhman, and come about a foolifh piece 
of bufineis, I'd prefer a fnug birth in this world, bad 
as it is, to the fined coffin in ail Chriflendom. 

EEL. I am furpris'd, Sir, that thinking in this man- 
ner, you would be the bearer of a challenge. 

CON. And well you may, Sir. But we muft often 
take a pleafure in ferving our friends, by doing things 
that are very difagreeable to us. 

CAPT. Then you think Mr. Leefonmuch to blame, 
perhaps, far hazarding his life where he can by no 
means repair the honour of his filter. 

CON. Indeed and I do But I mall think this 
eintleman, begging his pardon, much more to blame 
for meeting him. 

BEL. And why fo, Sir You woudn't have me dif- 
appoint your friend ? 

CON. Faith, and that I wou'd He, poor lad, may 
have fome reafon at prefent to be tir'd of the world, 
but you have a fine eftate, a fine wife, a fine parcel of 
children. In fnort, honey, you have every thing to 
make you fond of living, and the devil burn me, 
was I in your cafe, if I'd ftake my own happinefs 
agrinft the mifery of any man. 
"BEL. I am very much oblig'd to your advice, Sir, 
tho' on the prefent occafion I cannot adopt it > be fo 


2 5 r/je S C M O O L for W I V E S. 

good as to prefent my compliments to your friend^ 
and tell him I fhall certainly do niyfeif the honour of 
attending his appointment. 

CON T . \Yhy then upon my foul I am very fbrry 
for it. 

CAPT. .'Tis not very cuftornary, Sir r with gentle- 
men of Ireland to oppole an affair of honour. 

CON. They are like the gindemin of England, Sir, 
they are brave to a fault ; yet I hope to lee the day 
that it will be infamous to draw the fwords of either, 
againil any body but the enemies of their country. 


BEL. I am quite charmed with this honeft Hiber- 
nian, and would aimed fight a duel for the pleafure 
of his acquaintance. 

CAPT. Come, flep with me a little, and let us 
confider, whether there may not be feme method of 
accommodating this curfed bufmefs. 

BEL. Poh! don't be uneafy upon my account; 
my character, with regard to affairs of this nature, is 
unhappily too well efutblilhed, and you may be fure 
that I fhan't n;ht with Lecfcn. 

CAPT. No- --yon have injured him greatly ? 

BEL. The very reafon of ail others why I mould 
not cut his throat. [Exeunt. 

Enter SPRUCE. 

- SPRUCE. \Vhat, the devil, this matter of mine has 
got a a duel upon his hands ! Zounds ! I am lorry 
for that ; he is a prince of a fellow ! and a good fub- 
ject mufl always love his prince, though he may now 
and then be a little out of humour with his actions. 

Enter General SAVAGE. 

GEN. Your hall-door {landing open, Spruce, and 
none of your icntinels being' on guard, I have fur- 
prifed your camp thus far without rcfillance : Where 
is your mailer ? 


T&e S C H O O L for WIVE S. 29 

SPRUCE. Juft gene out with Captain Savage, Sir. 

GEN. Is your lady at home ? 

SPRUCE. No, Sir, but Mifs Walfingharn is at home; 
fhall I inform her of your vifit,? 

GEN. There is no occafion to inform her of it, 
for here fhe is, Spruce. [Exit Spruce. 


Mzfs WAL. General Savage, your moft humble 

GEN, My dear Mifs Walfingham, it is rather 
cruel that you fhould be left at home by yourfelf, and 
yet I am greatly rejoic'd to find you at prefent with- 
out company. 

Alifs WAL. I can't but think myfelf in the beft 
company, when I have the honour of your conver- 
fation, General. 

GEN. You flatter me too much, Madam ; yet I 
am come to talk to you on a ferious affair, Mifs Wal- 
fingham , an affair of importance to me and to your- 
lelt : Have you isifbre to favour me with a fhort au- 
dience, if I bea: a parley ? 

Mi/s WAL. Any thing of importance to you, Sir, 
is always fufncient to command my ieifure. *Tis as 
the Captain fufpected. (afide. 

GF.N. You tremble, my lovely g : rl, but don't be 
alarmed ; for though my bufinds is of an important 
nature, I hope it won't be of a difagreeable one. 

Mifs WAL. And yet I am greatly agitated. (a/Ids. 

GEN. Soldiers, Mifs Walfingham, are faid to be 
generally favcur'd by the kind partiality of the 

Mifs WAL. The ladies are not without gratitude, 
Sir, to thole who devote their lives peculiarly to the 
fervice of their country. 

GEN. Generomly laid, Madam : Then give me 
leave, without any maiked buttery, to alk, if die ]. 


SCHOOL for W I V E S. 

of an honeft foldier is a prize at all worth your ac- 

Mifs WAL. Upon my word, Sir, there's no malk- 
ed battery in this qucftion. 

GEN. I am as fond of a coup de main, Madam, in 
lovCj as in war, and hate the tedious method of fap- 
ping a town, when there is a pofiibility of cnt . 
iword in hand. 

Mifs WAL. Why really, Sir, a woman may as well 
know her own mind, when me is firft fummoned by the 
trumpet of a lover, as when {lie undergoes all the t:r> 
iome formality of a fiege. You fee I have caught 
your own mode of converiihg, General. 

GEN. And a very great compliment I confider ir, 
Madam : But now that you have candidly confefs'd 
an acquaintance with your own mind, anfwer me 
with that franknels for which every body admires 
you fo much. Have you any objection to change 
the name of Walfingham ? 

Mifs WAL. Why then frankly, General Savage, 
I lay, no. 

GEN. Ten thoufand thanks to -vou for this kind 

Mifs WAL. I hope you won't think ir a forward one. 

GEN. I'd fooner lee my fon run away in the day of 
battle-, I'd fooner think Lord Ru'lell was bribed by 
Lewis the XlVth, and fooner viiijfy the memory of 
Alo;ernoon Sidney. 

Mifs WAL. How unjuft it was ever to fuppofe the 
General a tyrannical rather ! v afide. 

GEN. You have told me condefcendingly, Mifs 
Walfingham, that you have no objection to change 
your name, I have but one queition more to afk. 

Mifs WAL. Pray propoie it. 

GEN. Would the name of Savage be difagreeablc 
to you r Speak frankly again, my dear girl ! 

Mifs WAL. Why then again I frankly fiy, no. 


r&f SCHOOL for WIVES. 31 

GEN. You make me too happy, and though I fhall 
readily own, that a propofal of this nature would 
come \yith more propriety from my ion 

Mifs WAL. I' am much better pleas'd that you 
make the propofal yourfelf, Sir. 

GEN. You are too good to me. Torrington thought 
that I mould meet with a repulfe. (afidc. 

Mifs WAL. Have you communicated this pufmefs 
to the Captain, Sir ? 

GEN. No, my dear Madam, I did not think that 
at all necefiary. ' I have always been attentive to the 
Captain's happincfs, and I propoie that he mall be 
married in a few days. 

Mifs WAL. What, whether I will or no ? 

GEN'. O you can have no objection. 

Mifs WAL. I mu ft be confuked, however, about 
the day, General : but nothing in my pov/er mail be 
wanting to make him happy. 

GEN. Obliging lovelinefs ! 

Mifs WAL. You may imagine, that if I was not 
previoufly impreft in "favour of your propofal, it 
wou'd not have met my concurrence fo readily. 

GEN. Then you own that I had a previous friend 
in the g:\rrifon. 

Mifs WAL. I don't blufh to acknowledge it, when 
I coniidcT the accomplimments of the object, Sir. 

GE^. O this is too much, Madam ; the principle 
merit of the object is his paflion for Mils Walfing- 

Mifs WAL. Don't fay that, General, I beg of you, 
for I don't think there are many women in the king- 
dom, who could behold him with indifference. 

GEN, Ah, you flattering, flattering angel \ and 
yet, by the memory of Marlborough, my lovely 
inrl, it was the idea of a prepoffcfiion on your part, 
which epcouraged me to hope for a favourable re- 

38 The SCHOOL for W I V E S. 

Mifs WAL. Then I mull have been very indifcreer, 
for I labour'd to conceal that prepoffeffion as much 
as pofiible. 

GEN. You cou'dn't conceal it from me ! you 
cou'dn't conceal it from me ! The female heart is a 
field which I am thoroughly acquainted with, and 
which has more than once been a witnefs to my vic- 
tories, Madam. 

Mifs WAL. I don't at all doubt your fuccefs with 
the ladies, General ; but as we now underftand one 
another fo perfectly, you will give me leave to retire. 

GEN. One word, my dear creature, and no more ; 
I fhall wait upon you fometime to day, with Mr. 
Torrington, about the neceffary fettlements. 

Mifs WAL. You muft do as you pleafe, General, 
you are invincible in every thing. % 

GEN. And if you pleafe, we'll keep every thing 
a profound fecret, 'till the articles are all fettled, 
and the definitive treaty ready for execution. 

Mifs WAL You may be lure, that delicacy will 
not fuffer rne to be communicate on the fubject, Sir, 

GEN. Then you leave every thing to my manage- 

Mifs WAL. I can't truft a more noble negociator. 


GEN. The day's my own. (fings.) Britons, ftrike 
home! ftrike home ! Revenge, &c. [Exit finging, 


SCHOOL -for WIVES. 33 


SCENE, Mifs L E E s o N 's Lodgings. 

Mifs LEE SON. 


ELL, Mrs. Belville, I am ex- 
tremely glad you agree with me, in opinion of this 
young lady's qualifications for the ftage. Don't you 
think (he'd play Mifs Headftrong admirably in my 
comedy ? 

Mrs. BEL. Yes, indeed, I think me pofTefies a 

natural fund of fpirit, very much adapted to the 

"character. 'Tis impoffible, furely, that this hoy- 

den can have a moment's attraction for Mr. Belville ? 

, . , (afide. 

Mifs LEES. You are very obliging, ladies-, but 

I have no turn for comedy \ my fort is tragedy en- 


Alpbonfo / - 0, Alfbonfo ! to tbee I call &c. 

Lady RACK. But, my dear, is there none of our 
feomedies to your tafte ? 

Mifs LEES. O, yes , fome of the fentimental ones 
are very pretty, there's fuch little difference between 
them and tragedies. 

Lady RACH. And pray, my dear, how .long have 
you been tngaged to Mr. Frankly ? 

Mifs LEES. I only came away laft night, and 
hav'n't feen Mr. Frankly finctj tho' I expect him, 
every moment. 


54 fie SCHOOL for W I V E 

Mrs. BEL, Lail night ! juft as Mrs. Temped inert* 
tioned. (afidc< 

Lady RACK. You had the concurrence of your 
friend. 1 ; ? 

Mjs LEES. Not I, Madam. Mr. Frankly faid r 
I had too much genius to mind my friends, and as I 
mould want nothing from them, there was no occa- 
fion to confuh them in the affair. 

Lady RACH. Then Ofbaldifton is not your reat 
name, perhaps ? 

Mifi LEES. O no, nor do I tell my real name : 
I chofe Ofbaldifton, becaufe it was a long one, and; 
wou'd make a $riking appearance in the bills. 

Mrs. BEL, I wifh we cou'd fee Mr. Frankly. 

A/y}LEES. Perhaps you may, Madam, for he 
defigns to give me a leflbn every day, 'till we are 
read}- to fet off for Ireland.. 

Lady RACK.. Suppoie their,, my dear, you wou'd 
oblige us with a fcene in Juliet, by way of IKewing 
your proficiency to Mrs. Belv-ille. 

Mifi LEES. Will you Hand up for Romeo ? 

Lady RACH. With all my heart, and I'll give you- 
fome mftruolions. 

Mifs LEES. I beg pardon, Ma'am ; I'll learn to aft 
under noboc'y but Mr. Frankly. This room is with- 
out a carpet -, if you will ftep into the next, ladies, 
I'll endeavour to oblige you. 

Shall [ not be environed, diftraught 

This way, Ladies. 

Lady RACH. Pray, Madam, mew us the way. 

{Exeunt Mifs LEES, and Lady RAC. 

Mrs. BEL. I'll prolong this mummery as much as 
poilible, in hopes the manager may come. Lye ftill, 
poor fluttering heart ! it cannot be the lord of all : 
your willies ! it cannot fnrely be your ador'd Bel- 
vlic! [Exit. 

S C II O O I, for WIVE S. 35 

Re-enter Mifs Leefon. 

Mifs LEES. Hav'n't I left my Romeo and Juliet 
tiere ? O yes, there it is. 

Enter Belville, 

BEL. Q, wtre thofe eyes in beav'ft, 

Ihefd thro' the ftarry regions fir earn Jo bright, 
That 'birds wotCd fing, and think it was the morn I 

- Mijs LEES. Ah, my dear Mr. Frankly ! I am fo 
glad you are come ! I was dying to fee you. 

BEL. Kids me, my dear; *vhy didn't you fend me 
-word of your intention to come away Lift night ? 

Mifs IJEES. I hadn't time: but as I knew where 
the lodgings were, I thought I fhou'd be able to find 
you by a note r-othe coffee-houie I always directed to. 

BEL. Kiis me again, my little fparklerl 

Mifs LEES. Nay, I won't bekifs'd in this manner-, 
for tho' I am going on the fcage, I intend to have 
fome regard for my character. . But, ha, ha, ha, I am 
glad you are come now : T-h ;ve company above flairs. 

BEL. Company! that's unlucky at this time, for I 
wanted to make you mtirely eafy about your charac- 
ter, (afidt.) And pray, my dear, who is your com- 
pany ? You know we muft be very cautious for fear 
of your relations. 

Mifs LEES. O, they are only ladies. But one of 
them is the moil beautiful creature in the world ! - 

BEL. 'The devil me is ! 

Mifs LEES. An earih-ir eating ftar, that makes dim 
ksaiyns light. 

BCL. Zounds ! I'll take a peep at the ftar, who 
knows but I may have ah opportunity of making 
another aftrefs. 

Mifs LEES. Come, charmer ! charmer! 

BEL. Weft thcu as far 

As that vaft fiore, wafh'd by the fa-theft fea^ 
I ivou'd adventure for' fuch merchandize. 

F 2 

36 We S C H O O L for WIVES. 

Now let's fee what fortune has fent us above flairs. 


SCENE changes to a Dining-room at Mtft 

Mrs. BELVILLE and Lady RACHEL dif covered. 

Mrs. BEL. This is a rooft ignorant young creature, 
Lady Rachel. 

Lady RACH. Why I think me is did you obfcrve 
how fhe flighted my offer of inftructing her \ 

Enter Mifs LEESON, 

Mifs LEES. Ladies ! ladies ! here he is ! here is 
Mr. Frankly! 

Enter Belville, bowing very low, not feeing the Ladies. 

BEL. Ladies, your moft obedient. 

Mrs. BEL. Let me, if poUibie, recollect myfelf 
Sir, your moft obedient humble fervant. 

BEL. Zounds! let me out ofthehoufe. 

Lady RACH. What do I ice ! 

Mifs LEES. You item, ladies, to know this gentle- 
man ? 

Mrs. BEL- (taking bold of him] You fhan't go rene- 
gade You' lauglvd at my credulity this morning, 
and I muft now kugh at your errbarafTment. 

BEL. What a kirrd thing it 'would be in any body 
to blow out my ftupid brains ? 

Lady RACH. I'll mark this down for an incident 
in my comedy. 

Mifs LEES. What do you hang your head for Mr. 


BEL. Be fo good as toafk that lady, my dear. 
The Devil has been long in my debt, and now he 
pays me home with a witnefs. 

Mrs. BEL. What a cruel thing it is to let Mrs. 
Tempeft out, my love, without fomebody to take care 
of her ! 

Mtfs LEES. What, do you know Mrs. Tempeft, 
madam ? 

Mrs. BEL. Yes, my dear ; and I am pretty well 

acquainted with this gentleman. 

M*fs LEES. What -isn't this gentleman the manager 
of a play-houfe in Ireland ? 

BEL. The curtain is almoft dropt my dear; the 
farce is nearly over, and you'll be fpeedily acquainted 
with the cataftrophe. 

Enter Mrs. Tempeft. 

Mrs. TEMP. Yes, Sir, the curtain is almoft dropt : 
I have had fpies to watch your haunts, and the cata- 
ftrophe ends in your detection, Come, you aban- 

don'd flut, 

Mifs LEES. And have I elop'd after all, without 
being brought upon the ftage ? 

Mrs TEMP. I don't know that you would be 
brought upon the ftage , but I am fure you were 
near being brought upon the town. I hope, madam, 
for the future:, you'll let me down, a mad-woman. 

[to Mrs. Belville. 

Mrs. BEL. Mr, Belvill, you'll make my apologies 
to this lady, and acknowledge that I think her per- 
fectly in her fcnfes. 

BEL. I wifh that I had intirely loft mine. 

Lady RACK. (Writing) I wifo that I had entirely 
loft mine. A very natural wifh, in fuch a fituation. 

Mrs. TEM. Come, you audacious minx, come away. 
You mail be lent into Yorkftiire this very evening; and 
fee what your poor mother will fay to you, hufley. 


3$ ?be S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

Mifs LEES. J will- go on the ftage, if I die for't; 

and 'tis fpme comfort there's a play-houfc at York. - 

[Exit Airs. Tempcft and Mifs Leeibn. 

BEL. Nancy, I am fo dham'd, fo humbled, and 
fo penitent, that if you knew what pafies here, I am 
lure you wou'd forgive me. 

Mrs. .BEL. My love, tho' I cannot fay I rejoice in 
your infidelity, yet, believe me, I pity your diftrefs : 
jet us therefore think no more of this. 

Lady RACK. (Writing.} And think no mere of this. 
- This conduct is new in a wife, and very dra- 

BEL. Where, my angel, have you acquired fo many 
rcquifites to charm with? 

Mrs. BEL. In your fociety, my dear ; and believe me 
. - that a wife may be as true a friend as any bottle 
companion upon earth, tho' fhe can neither get merry 
with you over night, nor blow out your brains about 
ibme foolim quarrel in the morning. 

BEL. Jf wives knew the omnipotence of virtue, 
vhere {he wears a fmile upon her face, they'd all 
follow your bewitching example, and make a faith- 
lefs hufband quite an incredible character. 

Lady RACK. Quite an incredible char after \ 

me fet down that. (writing.) [Exeunt* 

SCENE changes to General SAVAGE'S. 

Enter General and Captain. 

GEN. Yes, Horace, I have been jufl vifiting at 

CAPT. You found nobody at home, but Mifs 
Walfingham ? 

GEN. No, but I'd a long converfition with her, 
and upon a. very interefling fuhje&. 

CAPT 'Tis as I guefs'd. \_efM. 


S C H O O L for W I V E S. & 

GEN. She is anrjft amiable creature, Horace. 
CAPT. -So me is, Sir,,and wiH make any man happy 
that marries her. 

GEN. I am glad you think fo. 

CAPT. He's glad I think fo!' 'tis plain, but I 

muft leave every thing to himfelf, and feem wholly 
pafiive in the affair. \afidt* 

GEN. A married life after all, Horace, I am now 
convinced is the moft happy, as well as the moft re- 

CAPT. It is indeed;,. Sir. 

GEN, Then perhaps you wou T d have no objection 
to be married, if ! offered you as agreeable a youn^ 
woman as Mils Walfmgham. 

CAPT. Twou'd be my firft pride on every occa- 
fion, Sir, to pay an implicit obedience to your com- 

GEN. That's fenfibly faid r Horace, and obligingly 
faid ; prepare yourielf therefore for an introduction: 
to the lady in the morning. 

CAPT. Is the lady prepar'cl to receive me, Sir ? 

GEN. O yes ; and you can't think how highly de- 
lighted Mifs Walfmgham appeared, when I acquaint- 
ed her with my refolution on the fubjecl:. 

CAPT, She's all goodnefs ! 

GEN. The more I know her, the more I am charm'd 
with her , I muft not be explicit with him yet,, for 
fear my fecret mould get wind, and reach the ears of 
the enemy. [rjtde. 

GEN. I propofe, Horace, that you mould be mar- 
ried immediately. 

CAPT. The fooner the better, Sir, I have no'wili 
but your's. 

GEN. (Shaking hands with him,) By the memory of 

Malbro', you are a mod excellent boy ! But what 

do you think ? Mifs Walfmgham infuts upon nam- 
ing the day. 


40 We S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

CAPT. And welcome, Sirj I am furc me won't 
make it a difiant one. 

GEN. O me faid, that nothing in her power mou'd 
be wanting to make you happy. 

CAPT. I am fure of that, Sin 

GEN. \_A loud knocking] Zounds, Horace ! here's 
the difgrace and punifhment of my life : Let's avoid 
her as we would a fever in the camp. 

CAPT. Come to the library, and I'll tell you how 
whimfically me was treated this morning at Belville's. 

GEN. Death and the devil ! make hafte. O I 
muft laugh at marriage, and be curft to me ! But I 
am providing, Horace, againft your falling into my 

CAPT. I am eternally indebted to you, Sir. 



Enter Mrs. Belville and Lady Rachel. 

Lady RACK. Nay, Mrs. Belville, I have no pati- 
ence, you act quite unnaturally. 

Mrs. BEL. What! becaufe I am unwilling to be 
miferable ? 

Lady RACH/This new Inflance of Mr. Belville's in- 
fidelity This attempt to feduce Mifs Walfmg- 

ham, which your woman overheard, is unpardon- 

Mrs. BEL. I don't fay but that I am ftrongly 
wounded by his irregularities. Yet if Mr. Belville 
is unhappily a rover, I wou'd much rather that he 
ihould have twenty miitreffcs than one. 

Lady RACH. You aftonifli me ! 

Mrs. BEL. Why, don't you know, my dear ma- 
dam, that while he is divided araidft a variety of ob- 
jects, 'tis hfipoflible for him to have a ferious attach-- 
ffient ? 


The S OH O O L fir W I V E^ 41 

Lady RACH. Lord, Mrs. Belville ! how can you 
fpeak with fo much compolure ! a virtuous woman 
flioul.l be always outrageous upon fuch an occafion 
as this. 

Mrs. BEL. What, and we.iry the innocent fun and 
moon from the firmament, l ; ke a defpiiiring princely 
in a tragedy No no Lady Rachel, 'tis bad 
enough to be indifferent to the man I love, without 
ftudying to excite his averfion. 

Lady RACH. How glad I am that' Mifs Walling? 
ham made him fo heartily afham'd of himlelf : Lord, 
thefe young men are fo full of levity : Give me a 
hufband of Mr. Torrington's age, fay I. 

Mrs. BEL. And give me a huiband of Mr. Bel- 
ville's, fay I, with all his fellies : However, Lady 
Rachel, I am prttty well fatisfied that my conduct at 
Mifs Leefori's will have a proper effect upon Mr. Bel- 
ville's generofity, and put an entire end to his ga- 
lantries for the future. 

Lady RACH. Don't deceive yourfdf, my dear, 
The gods in the milling gallery would fooner give 
up Roail Beef, or go without an epilogue on the firft 
night of a new piece. 

Mrs. BEL. Why mould you think fo of fuch a 
man as Mr. Belville ? 

Lady RACH. Becaufe Mr. Belville is a man : How- 
ever, if you dare run the rifque - we will try the fin- 
cerity of his reformation. 

Mrs. BEL. If I dare run the rifque ! I would flake 
my foul upon his honour. 

Lady RACH. Then your poor foul would be in a 
very terrible fituation. 

Mrs. BEL. By what teft can we prove his fincerity ? 

Lady RACH. By a very fimple one. You know I 
write fo like Mils Walfingham, that our hands are 
fcarcely known afunder. 

Mrs. BEL. Well- - 

G G 

42 tffe SCH66L>r WIVES. 

RACK. Why then let me write to him as 
from her 

Mrs. BEL. If I did not think it would look like a 
doubt of his honour--- 

Lady RACH. Poh ! dare you proceed upon my 
plan ? 

Mrs. BEL. Moft confidently : Come to my drefiing- 
room, where you'll find every thing ready for writ- 
ing, and then you, may explain your fcheme more 

Lady RACK. I'll attend yon, but I am really forry, 
my dear, for the love of propriety, to fee you fo 
calm under the perfidy of your hufband -, you 
Ihould be quite wretched indeed you fnould. #.- 

SCENE, the Temple. 

Enter Leefon. 
LEES. The hell-hounds are after me. 

Enter Connolly, at the cppofite fide. 

Fly, open the chambers this moment, the bailiffs 
-are in fights 

CON. Faith and that I will ; but it will be of no 
ufe to fly a -ftep, if I hav'n't the key. ' 

LIES. Zounds ! did. not you lock the door ? 

CON. Yes; but I believe I left the key on the 
'infide: Hovvever, I fee no more than three people, 
and think we could beat them to their hearts con- 
tent in three minutes. 

LEES. What ! and fly in the face of the law ? 

CON. To be fure you have a great regard for the 
law, when you are going to fight a duel ! 

LEES. S'death ! is this a time to talk ? Stay here, 
and throw every poffiblc impediment in the way of 
execrable rafcals. (-going-) 


The S C H Q P L for WIVE S. 43 

CON. Holloa! honey, come back: Thefe exe- 
crable rafcals are very worthy people, I fancy, for 
they are quietly turning down th,e next court, 

LEES. Their appearance alarm'dme beyond meafure. 

CON. O you ihou'dn't judge by oiuiide fhew, my 
dear for there is no being a complete rogue, without 
the appearance of an honeft man 

LEES. Circumftanced as I am at prefent, every 
thing terrifies me ; for fbould I be arrefted, the confe- 
iquence would poflibly be fatal, both to my honour 
and my love. Belville would proclaim me publicly a 
coward ; and Emily fet me down as a bafe, a mer- 
cenary adventurer, who was folely attracted by he? 

CON. Why faith, honey, like yourfelf, they might 
>e apt to judge by appearances. 

LEES. O, Connolly, a man of fpirit fhould learn 
prudence from his very prids, and confider every 
imneceffary debt he contracts as a wanton diminution 
of his character ! the moment he makes another his 
creditor he makes himfelf a flave ! He runs the ha- 
zard of infults, which he never can refent, and of 
clifgraces which are feldom- to be mitigated I He inr 
curs the danger of being dragg'd, like the vileft fe- 
lon to the felon's prifon ! and, fuch is the depravity 
of the world, that guilt is even more likely to meet 
with advocates, than misfortune ! [Exit Leefon. 

CON. Mufha, long life to you, ould Shillala \ I 
wifh I had any thing befides my carcafe to venture for 
you, for that's nothing , yet you are as welcome to it as 
the fiowersin May. Poor lad ! I don't wonder that he is 
fo much afraid of a prifon, for to be fure it is a blefled 
place to live in , and a bleffed law it muft be, which 
coops a man up from every chance of getting money, 
by way of making him pay his debts But now let 
my thick fkull confider, if there is any method ot 
preventing this infernal duel. Suppofe I have hits 
G 3 

44 Me S C H O O L for WIVE S. 

bound over to the pace ! No, that will never do- it 
would be a fhameful thing for a gintleman to keep 
the pace ! Beiides, I mult appear in the bufmefs, and 
people may think, from my connexion with him, 
that lie has not honour enough to throw away his 
life : Suppofe I go another wr.y t-o work, and fend an 
anonymous letter about the affair to Mrs. Belville : 
They fay, though me is a woman of fafhion, that no 
creter upon earth can be fonder of her hufband. 
Surely the good genius of Ireland put this fcheme 
into my head I'll 'about it this minute-, and if there's 
only one of them kept from the field, I don't think 
that the other can be much hurt, when there will be 
no body to fight with him. [Exit. 

SCENE, changes to Caff. SAVAGE'S Lodgings. 

Enter Captain SAVAGE end BELVILLE. 

CAPT. Why, faith, Belville, your detection, and 
fo fpeedily too, after all the pretended fanctity of the 
morning, muft have thrown you into a moft humili- 
ating fituation. 

BEL. Into the moft diflrefilng you can imagine: 
had my wife rav'd at my falfehood, in the cuftomary 
manner, I cou'd have brazen'd it out pretty tollcra- 
bly j but the angel-like fveetnefs, with which me 
bore the mortifying difcovery, planted daggers in my 
boibm, and made me at that time wiih her the verielt 
vixen in the whole creation. 

CAPT. Yet, the fufFering forbearance of a wife, 
is a quality for which me is feldom allow'd her me- 
rit ; we think it her duty to put up with our falfe- 
hood, and imagine ourfelves exceedingly generous 
in the main, if we practife no other method of 
breaking her heart. 

Bit. Mcrftrous! mcnflrcns ! from this moment 


The S CH O O L for W I V E S. 45 

I bid an everlafting adieu to my vices : the generofity 
of my dear girl 

Enter a Servant to BELVI.LLE. 

SERV. Here's a letter, Sir, which Mr. Spruce has 
brought vou. 

o * . 

BEL. Give me leave, Savage. Zounds ! what an 
indiiilrious devil the father of durknefs is, when the 
moment a man determines upon a good action, he 
lends fuch a thing as this, to dagger his refolution. 

CAPT. What have you got there ? 

BEL. You mall know prefently. Will you let 
Spruce come in. 

CAPT. Where have you acquir'd all this ceremony? 

BEL. Bid Spruce come in. 

SERV. Yes, Sir. [Exif. 

CAPT.- Is that another challenge ? 

BEL. 'Tis upon my foul, but it came from a beau- 
tiful enemy, and dares me to give a meeting to Mifs 

CAPT. How ! 

Enter SPRUCE. 

BEL. Pray, Spruce, who gave you this letter? 

SPRUCE. Mifs Walfmgham's woman, Sir : fhe 
l?id it was about very particular bufmefs, and there- 
fore I wou'dn't truft it by any of the footmen. 

CAPT. O, damn your diligence. (afjde. 

BEL. You may go home, Spruce. 

SPRUCE. (Looking Jignificantly at his Mafler.) Is 
. there no anfwer neceffary, Sir. 

BEL. I mall call at home myfelf, and give the ne- 
ceiiary anfwer, 

SPRUCE. (AJide.') What can be the matter with him 
all of a fudden, that he is fo cold upon the fcent of 
wickednefs ? [Exit. 

CAPT. And what anfwer do you propofe mak ing to 
it, Bclville? BEL. 

46 The S C H O O L for WIVES, 

BEL. Read the letter, and then tell me what I 
Ihou'd do. You know Mils Walfingham's hand. 

CAPT. Q, perfe&ly ! This is not yes, it is her 
hand ! I have too many curil occafions to know it. 


BEL. What are you a muttering about ? Read 
the letter. 

CAPT. Jf you are not entirely difc our aged, by our laft 
confer fationjrcm renewing the fubjeft which then gave 

BEL. Which then gave offence, T You fee, Savage, 
that it is not offl-nfive any longer, 

CAPT. Sdeath ! you put me out. -j0# may at the 
mafqiierade, this evening 

BE i . You remember how earneft fhe was. for the 
mafqueradc party. 

CAPT. Yes, yes, I remember it well : and I re- 
rnember, alfo, how hurt fhe was this morning, about; 
the affair of Mifs Lceibn. (aftde. } -have an oppor- 
tunity of entertaining me r O the ftrumpet ! (afide. 

BEL. But mind the cunning with which me figns 
the note, for fear it Ihou'd by any accident fall into- 
improper hands. 

CAPT. Ay, and you put it into very proper hands, 
{ajidc.} I Jhall be in tbe blue domino. -The fignature 
is You KNOW WHO. 

BEL. Yes, you kw-jvivbo. 

CAFT. May be, however, fhe has only written this 
to try you. 

BEL. To try me, for what purpofe ? But if you 
read a certain poftcript t:here, I fancy you'll be of a 
different opinion. 

CAPT. Jf Mr. Behilk has any. hcufe of chaxifter to 
Tttire to, it wou'd be weft agreeable, as there cotfd be no 
fear of interruption. 

ELL. What do you fay new ? Can you recom- 

S C.H O O L fir WIVE S. 47 

mend me to any houfe of character, where we mall 
be free from interruption. 

CAPT. ,O, curie her houfe of character! (afide) 
But furely, Bclville, after your late determin'd refo- 
lution to reform 

BEL. Zounds ! I forgot that. 

CAPT. After the unexampled fweetnefs of your 
wife's behaviour 

BEL. Don't go on, Savage: There is fomething 
here (putting his hand upon his bofcm') which feels al- 
ready not a little aukwardly. 

CAPT. And can you ftiil perfid ? 

BEL. I am afraid to anfwer your queftion. 

CAPT. Where the plague are you flying ? 

BEL. From the juftice of your cenfure, Horace; 
my own is fufficiently fevere ; yet I fee that I mall be 
a rafcal again, in fpite of my teeth ; and good advice 
is only thrown away upon fo incorrigible a libertine. 


CAPT. (alone) So then this diamond of mine 
proves a counterfeit after all, and I am really the 
verielt wretch exiiling at the moment in which I 
conceiv'd myfclf the peculiar favourite of fortune-. 
O the curfed, curfed fex ! I'll fee her once more to 
upbraid her with her faiiehood, then acquaint my fa- 
ther with her perfidy, to juftify my breaking oft the 
marriage, and tear her from my thoughts for ever. 

Enter a Servant. 

SERV. Sir! Sir! Sir! 

CAPT. Sir, Sir, Sir, What the devil's the matter 
with the booby ? 

SERV. Mils Walfingham, Sir ! 

CAPT. Ah ! what of her ? 

SERV. Was this moment overturn'd at Mr. Bel- 
ville's door, and John tells me carried in a tit into the 


48 S& SCHOOL for W I V E S/ 

CAPT. Ha ' let me fly to her afllftance. \JLxit. 

SERV. Ha let me fly to k:r cjpftance O, are you 

thereabouts* [Exit. 

SCENE changes to Mr. BELVILLE'S. 

Enter Mrs. Belville, Mlfs Walfmgham and LaJ-i 
Rachel Mildew. 

Mrs. BEL. But are you indeed recover'd my dear ? 

Mifs WAL. Perfectly my dear, I wasn't in the 
kail hurt, tho* greatly terrified, when the two fools of 
coachmen contended for the honour of being firfl, 
and drove the carriages together with a violence in- 

Lady RACK. I fincerely rejoice at your efcap~ ; and 
now Mrs. Belville, as you promifed to choofe a drefs for 
me if I went in your party to the mafquerade this 
evening, can you fpare a quarter of an hour to Ta- 
viilock- Street ? 

Mrs. BEL. I am loth to leave Mifs Walfmgham 
alone, Lady Rachel, fo loon after her fright. 

Mifs WAL Nay, I infift that you don't flay at 
home upon my account , and Lady Rachel's com- 
pany to the mafquerade is a pleafure I have fuch an 
mtereft in, that I beg you won't delay a moment to 
oblige her. 

Mrs. BEL. Well, then I attend your ladylhip. 

"Lady RACH. You are very good; and fo is Mifs 
Walfmgham. [Exit. 

Mifs WAL. I wonder Captain Savage flays away 
fo long ! where can he be all this time ? I die with 
impatience to tell him of my happy interview with 
the General. 

Enter a Servant. 
SERV. Captain Savage, madam. 


'?he SCHOOL for WIVES. 49 

Mifs WAL. Shew him in. [Exif Serv.] How he 
inuft rejoice to find his conjectures To fortunately re- 

jEfl/dT Captain Savage. 

CAPT. So, madam, you have jult efcap'd a fad ac- 

Mifs WAL. And by that agreeable tone and coun- 
tenance, one would almoit imagine you were very 
ibrry for my efcape. 

CAPT, People, madam, who doubt the kindnefs of 
"others, are generally confcious of fome defect in 

Mifs WAL. Don't madam me, with this accent of 
indifference. What has put you out of humour ? 

CATT. Nothing. 

Mifs WAL. Are you indifpos'd ? 

CAPT. The Crocodile ! the Crocodile ! \afidc. 

Mifs W T AL. Do you go to the malquerade to night? 

CAPT. No, but you do. 

A^ WAL. Why not ? come, don't be ili-natur'd, 
I'm not your wife yet. 

CAPT. Nor ever will be, I promife you. 

Mifs WAL. What is the meaning of this very 
\vhimfical behaviour ? . 

CAPT. The fettled compofure of her impudence is 
hitolecable, (aftde.} Madam, Madam, ^how have I de- 
ferv'dthis ufage? 

Mifs WAL. Nay, Sir, Sir, how have I deferved it, 
if you go to that ? 

C-APT. The letter, rnadam ! the letter! 

JMifs WAL. What letter ? 

CAPT. Your letter, inviting a gallant from the maf- 

tjuerade to a houfe of character, madam ! What, 

you appear iurpriz'd ? 

Mifs WAL. Well I may* at fo fharhelefs an afperfion. 

CAPT. Madam, madam, I have feen your letter ! 

H Your 

5 o Tfc SCHOOL for WIVES. 

Your new lover cou'dn't keep your fecret a moment. 
But I ha*i nothing to do with you, and only come 
to declare my reafons for renouncing you everlaftingly ! 

Enter Servant. 

SERV. General Savage, madam. 

Mijs WAL. Shew him up. \Exit Serv.~] I am glad 
he is come, Sir-, inform him of your rcfolution to 
break off the match, and let there be an end of every 
thing between us. 

Enter General Savage. 

GEN. The news of your accident reach'd me but 

this moment, madam, or I fhou'd have potted. 

much fooner to reconnoitre your fituation. My aid de 
camp, however, has not been inattentive I fee, and I 
dare fay his diligence will not be the leaft leiTen'd, 
when he knows his obligations to you. 

CAPT. O, Sir, I am perfectly fallible of my obli- 
gations -, and the confcioufnefs of them, was one mo- 
tive of my coming here. . . 

GEN. Then you have made your acknowledge- 
ments to.mifs Wa finojham I hope. 

Mil's \V_AL. He has indeed, General, iid a great 
deal more than was neceffary. 

GEN. That opinion proceeds from the liberality of 
your temper j for "tis impoflible he can ever fay 
enough of your goodnefs. 
- CAPT. So it is , if you knew but all, Sir. 

GEN. Why who can know more of the matter than 

Mifj WAL. This gentleman, it feems, has fome- 
thing, General Savage, very neceffary for your infor- 

GEN. How's this ? 

CAPT. Nay, Sir, I only fay, that for fomc particu- 
lar reafons, which I (hall communicate to you at a 


We S C H O O L for W I V E S. 51 

more proper time ; I muft beg leave to decline the 
lady whole hand you kindly intended tor me this 

GEN. O you muft ! Why then I hope you decline 
at the fame time, all pretenfions to every {hilling of 
my fortune. It is not in my power to make you 
fight, you paltroon, but I can puniih you for 

Mifs WAL. Nay, but General, let me interpofe 
here. If he can maintain any charge againft the 
lady's repuation, 'twould be very hard that he Should 
be disinherited, for a neceflary attention to his 

CAPT. And if I don't make the charge good, I 
fubmit to be difmheritcd without murmurring. 

GEN. 'Tis falfe as hell ! the lady is infinitely too 
good for you, in every refpect ; and I undervalued 
her worth, when I thought of her for your wife. 

Mifs WAL. I am fure the lady is much oblig'd to 
your favourable opinion, Sir. 

GEN. Not in the leaft, Madam; I only do her 
common juftice, 

CAPT. I cannot bear that you fhou'd be difpleas'd 
a moment, Sir ; fuffer me therefore to render the con- 
verlation lefs equivocable, and a few words will ex- 
plain every thing. 

GZN. Sirrah, I'll hear no explanation ; ar'n't my 
erclers that you fhou'd marry ? 

Mifs WAL. For my fake hear him, General Savage, 

CAPT. Madam, I difdain every favour that is to 
be procur'd by your interpofition. [Exit. 

Mifs WAL. This matter muft not be fuffer'd to 
proceed farther tho', provokingly, cruelly as the 
Captain has behav'd. (afide. 

GEN. What's that you fay, my bewitching girl ? 

Mifs WAL. I fay that yo\i muft make it up with 
the Captain, and the belt way will be to hear his 
charge patiently. 

52 We SCHOOL fir WIVES. 

GE?J. I am fhock'd at the brutality of the dog \ 
he has no more principle than a futtler, and no more 
iteadinefs than a young recruit upon drill. But, you 
{hall have ample fatisraction : this very day I'll cut 
him off from a pofiibiiity of fuccceding to a fhilling 

of my fortune. He fhall be as rniferable as 

Mifs WAL. Dear General, do you think that this 
wou'd give me any fatisfadion ? 

GEN. How he became acquainted with my defign 
I know not, but I fee plainly, that his mutiny pro- 
ceeds from his averfion to my marrying again. 

Mifs WAL. To your marrying again, Sir! why 
iEhou'd he object to that ? 

GEN. Why, for fear I mould have other children, 
to be fure. 

Mifs WAL. Indeed, Sir, it was not from that mo- 
tive , and, if I can overlook his folly, you may be 
prevail'd upon to forgive it. 

GEN. After what you have feen, juftice fhou'd make 
you a little more attentive to your own intereft, my 
lovely girl, 

Mifs WAI.. What at the expence of his ? 
GEN. In the approaching change of your fituatlon, 
there may be a family of your own. 

JV#/}WAL. Suppofe there fhou'd, Sir v won't there 
be a family of his too ? 

GEN. I Care not what becomes of his family. 
Mifs WAL. But, pray let me think a little about 
it, General. 

GEN. 'Tis hard, indeed, when I was fo defirous of 
promoting his happinefs, that he mould throw any 
thing in the way of mine. 

Mifs WAL. Recoiled, Sir, his offence was wholly 
confm'd to me. 

GEN. Well, my leve, and isn't it throwing an 
obftacle in the way of my happinefs, when he abules 
you fo grpfiy for your readinefs. to snariy me ? 
Mifs WAL. Sir ' 

f&e S C H O O L for W I V E S, 53 

GEN. I fee, with all your good nature, that this is 
aqueftion you cannot rally againft. 

Mlfs WAL. It is indeed, Sir. What will become* 
of me? (fjide. 

GEN. You feem fuddenly difordered, my love ? 

Mifs WAL. Why really, Sir, this atfair aff^dts me. 

GEN. Well, it is poflible, that for your fake, I may 
not punifh him with as much feverity as I intended : 
In about an hour I mull beg leave to beat up your 
quarteis again, with Mr. Torrington ; for 'tis necef- 
iary I mould mew you fome proof of my gratitude, 
fmce you have been io kindly pleas'd to honour me 
with a proof of your affection. 

Mifs WAL. (ajide.} So, now indeed, we're in a 
hopeful iituation . [Exeunt. 


C E N E, an Apartment at BELVILLE'/. 

Enter Mrs. B.elville, and Captain Savage. 

Mrs. BEL.JL/ON'T argue with me, Captain Sa- 
vage , but confider that I am a wife, and 
pity my diftraftion. 

CAPT. Dear Madam, there is no occafion to be fo 
much alarm'd , Mr. Belville has very properly deteF- 
min'd not to fight ; he told me fo himfelf, and fhouid 
have been effectually prevented, if I hadn't known his 

Mrs. BEL. There is no knowing to what extremities 
he may be provok'd, if he meets Mr. Leefon , I have 
fent for you, therefore, to beg that you will fave him 
from the poflibility, either of expofmg himfelf to any 
danger, or of doing an injury t his adverfary. 


54 *Hx SCHOOL for WIVES. 

CAPT. \Vhat would you have me do, Madam ? 

Mrs. BE.. Fly to Hyde -park, and prevent, if 
yet pofnble, his meeting with Mr. Leefon : Do it, 
J conju:' < cu,- if you'd lave me from defperation. 

CAPT. Though you have no realbn whatever to. 
be apprehcnfive for his fafety, Madam, yet, fince you 
arc lo vxry much affected, I'll immediately execute 
ycur commands. [Exif. 

Mrs. BE i, . Merciful heaven ! where is the generoli- 
ty, where is the fe-nfe, where is the mame of men, 
to find a pleafure in purfuits, which they cannot re- 
member without the deepelt horror ; which they can- 
not follow without the meaneft fraud , and which they 
cannot effect, without confequences the moft dreadful ? 
The fingle word, Pleafure, in a mafculine fenfe, com- 
prehends every thing that is cruel , every thing that 
is bafe ; and every thing that is defperate : Yet men, 
in other reipects, the nobleft of their fpecies, make it 
the principal bufinefs of their lives, and do not hefi- 
tate to break in upon the peace of the happieft fami- 
lies, though their own muft be neceflarily expos'd to 
destruction. O Beiville 1 Belville ! my life ! my 
love '.--The greateft triumph which a libertine can ever 
experience, is too defpicable to be envied ; 'tis at beft 
nothing but a victory over his own humanity , and if 
he is a hufband, he muft be dead indeed, if he is not 
doubly tortured upon the wheel of recollection, 

. Mijs WAL. My dear Mrs. Belville^ I am ex- 
tremely unhappy, to fee you fo diftrefs'd. 

Lao'y RACK. Now, I am extremely glad to (ee her 
jb, for if ihe wasn't greatly diitreis'd it wou'd be 
monftroufly unnatural. 

'Mrs. BEL. O, Matilda! my hufband ! my huf- 
"band ! my. children! my children ! 

Mijs \V-AL. Don't weep, my dear' don't weep F 
pn:y be comforted, all may end happily. Lady 
l, beg of her not to cry ib. 


.We SCHOOL for WIVES. 5.5 

Lady RACH. Why, you are crying yourfelf, Mifs 
Walfingham ; and tho' I think it out of character to 
encourage her tears, I can't help keeping you company. 

Mrs. BEL. O, why is not Ibme effectual method 
contriv'd, to prevent this horrible practice of duelling ? 

Lady RACH. J'll expofe it on the ftage, fmce the 
law now a-davs, kindly leaves the whole cognizance 
of it to the theatre. 

Mifs WAL. And yet if .die laws againir. it, were an 
well enforced as the laws againft deftroying the game, 
perhaps it would be equally for the benefit of the 

Mrs. BEL. No law will ever be effectual till the 
cuftom is render'd infamous. Wives muft fhriek ! 
mothers mult agonize ! orphans muft multiply ! 

unlels fome blefTed hand ftrips the fafcinating glare 
from honourable murder, and bravely expoles the 
idol who is worfhip'd thus in blood. While it is 
difreputable to obey the laws, we cannot look for 
reformation :- But if the duellift is once banifried 
from the prefence of his fovereign , if he is for life 
excluded the confidence of his country ; if a mark 
of indelible difgrace is ftamp'd upon him, the fword 
of publick juftice will be the fole chaftifer of wrongs ; 
ttifles will not be pimifh'd with death, and offences 
really meriting fuch a punifhment, will be referv*d 
for the only proper avenger, the common executioner. 

Lady RACH. I cou'dn't have exprefs'd myfelf bet- 
ter on the fubject, my dear : but till fuch a hand as 
you talk of is found, the beft will fall into the error 
of the times. 

- Mifs WAL. Yes, and butcjier each other like mad- 
men, for fear their courage mould be fufpectetf by fools- 

Mrs. ELL. No news yet from Captain Savage.? 

Lady RACH. He can't have reach'd Hyde-park yet, 
my dear. 

Mifs WAL. Let us lead you to your chamber,- my 
clear ; you'll be better there. 


5 6 77*? SCHOOL for WIVE?. 

Mrs. BEL. ' Matilda, I rhuft be wretched any vvliere ; 
but I'll attend yon. 

Lady RACH. Thank heav'n,' I have no hufband to 
plunge me into fuch a fituation ! 

Mifs WAL. And, if I thought I cou'd keep my re- 
folution, Pd determine this moment on living fingle 
all the days of my life. Pray don't fpare my arm, 
my dear. {Exeunt. 

S C E N E, Hyde Park. 


BEL. I fancy I am rather before the time of ap- 
pointment , engagements of this kind are the only 
ones, in whichj now-a-days, people pretend, to any 
punctuality : a man is allow'd half an hours law to 
dinner, but a thruft through the body mult be given 
within a fecond of the clock. 

Enter Leefon. 

LEES. Your fervant, Sir. Your name I fuppdfe 
is Belville ? 

BEL. Your fuppofitiofi is very right, Sir; and I 
fancy I am not much in the wrong, when I fuppofe 
your name to be Leefon. 

LEES. It is, Sir ; I am forry I fhou'd keep you 
here a moment. 

BEL. I am very forry, Sir, you fhou'd bring me 
here at all. 

LEES. I regret the occafion, be afllired, Sir , but 'tis 
not now a time for talking, we muft proceed to action. 

BEL. And yet talking is all the action I mall pro- 
ceed to, depend upon it. 

LEES. "What do you mean, Sir ? Where are your 
piftols ? 

BEL. Where I intend they fhall remain till my next 
journey into the country, very quietly over the chim- 
ney in my drefling room. 

LEES. You treat this matter \vith too rrmch levity, 
Mr. Belville ; take yonr choice of mine, Sir. 


SCliOOL/^r WIVES. 5; 

BEL. I'd rather take them both, if you pleufe, for 
then no mifchief mall be done with either of" them. 

LEES. Sir, this trifling is adding inlult to injury 5 
and fhall be relented accordingly. Didn't you come 
here to give me fatisfabion ? 

BEL. Yes, every iatisfac"tion in my power. 

i ,EES. Take one of -thele piftols then, 

BEL. Come, Mr. Leefon, your bravery will not at 
all be leffcn'd by the exercitc of a little underitand- 
ing : If nothing leis than my life Cuii atone for the 
injury I have done you, fire at me in- 
liantly, but don't be offended becaufe I decline to do 
you an additional wrong. 

LEES. S'death, Sir, do you think I come nere with 
an intention to murder ? 

BEL You come to arm the guilty sgainft the inno- 
cent, Sir; and that, in my opinion, is the moil 
atrocious intention of murder. 

LEES. How's this ? 

BEL. Look'e, Mr. Leefon, there's your pifbol ('thrcwS 
it en the grcur-d) I have already acted very wrongly with 
refpect to your fifter, but, Sir, I have fome character 
(though perhaps little enough) to maintain, and t 
will not do a Hill worle a<5licn, in railing my hand 
againft your life. 

LEES. This hypocrkal cant of cowardice, Sir, is 
too palpable to dilarrn my reientment ; though I held 
you to be a man of profligate principles, 1 ncverthe- 
lefs confider'd you as a man of courage -, but, if you 
hefitate a moment longer, by heaven, I'll chaftife ycu 
.on the fpor. (Dra\;-s.) 

BEL. I muft defend my life -, thougli if it did not 
look like timidity, I would inform you ( they 
Leefon is di farmed) Mr. Leefon, there is your 


LEES. Strike it through my bofom, Sir -,---! dcn'c 
dcfire to cut-live this initant, 

I hope, my dear Sir, that ycu v.i-i long iive 
I happy 

58 Me S C H O O L for WIVE S. 

happy as your lifter, tho' to my fhame I can claim 
no merit on that account, is recovered unpolluted, by 
her family , but let me beg that you will now lee the 
folly of decifions by the fword, when fuccsfs is not 
fortunately chain'd to the iide of juftice : Before I 
leave you, receive my fincereft apologies for the in- 
juries I have done you ; and, be allured, no occur- 
rence will ever give me greater pleafure, than an op- 
portunity of ferving you, if, after what is paft, you 
fhall at any time condefcend to ufe me as a friend. [Ex* 
LEES. Very well very well very well. 

Enter Connolly. 

LEES. What, you have been within hearing, I fup- 

CON. You may fay that. [pole ? 

LEES. And isn't this very fine? 

CON. Why I can't fay much as to the finery of it, 
Sir, but it is certainly very foolifh. 

LEES. And ib this is my fatisfa&ion after all ? 

CON. Yes, and pretty fatisfadlion it is. When Mr. 
Belville did you but one injury, he was the greateft vil- 
lain in the world i but now that he has done you two,, 
in- drawing his fword upon you, I fuppofe he is a very 
worthy gentleman 

LEES. To be foil'd, baffled, difappointed in my 
revenge ! What tho' my fifter is by accident unftain'd, 
his intentions are as criminal, as if* her ruin was actu- 
ally perpetrated ; there is no poflibility of enduring 
the reflection ! I vvifli not for the blood of my enemy, 
but I would at ieaft have the credit of giving him life. 

CON. Arrah, my dear, if you had any regard for 
the life of your enemy, you mou'drft put him in the 
way of death. 

LEES. No more of thefe reflections, my dear Con- 
nolly ; my own feelings are painful enough. Will 
you be fo good as to take thefe damn'd piftols, and 
conie with me to the coach ? 

CON. Troth and that I will j butdoa't make vour- 

' felf 

The SCHOOL for WIVES. 59 

felf unealy , confidcr that you have done every thing 
which honour required at yous hands. 

LEES. I hope Ib. 

CON. Why you know fo : You have broke the 
laws of heaven and earth, as nobly as the firft lord in 
the land, and you have convinc'd the world, that 
where any body has done your family one injury, you 
have courage enough to do it another yourlelf, by 
hazarding your life. 

LEES. Thole, Connolly, who would live reputably 
in any country, muft regulate their conduct in many 
cafes by ks very prejudices. Cullom, with rcfpect to 
duelling, is a tyrant, whofe defpotifm no body ven- 
tures to attack, tho' every body detefts its cruelty. 

CON. I didn't imagine that a tyrant of any kind 
would, be tolerated in England. But where do you 
think of going now ? For chambers, you know, are 
at prefcnt moft delightfully dangerous. 

LEES. I fliall go to Mrs. Crayon's. 

CON. What the gentlewoman that paints all man- 
ner of colours in red chalk ? 

LEES. Yes, where I firft became acquainted with 

CON. And where the fweet creature has met you two 
or three times under pretence of fitting for her picture. 

LEES. Mrs. Crayons will, I dare fay, oblige me in 
this exigency with an apartment for a few days ; but 
come, Connolly, we have no time to lofe, tho' if you 
had any prudence, you would abandon me in my pre- 
fent fituation. 

CON. Ah, Sir, is this your opinion of my friend- 
fhip ? Do you think that any thing can ever give me 
half fo much pleafure in ferving you, as feeing you 
furrounded by misfortunes. [Exeunt. 

'The Scene changes to an Apartment at Belville's. 

Enter General Savage, Torrington, and Spruce. 
SPRUCE. Mifs Walfingham will wait on you im- 
immediately, gentlemen. 

I 2 

6o T/j.e SCHOOL fir WIVES 

GEN. Very well. 

SPRUCE, (ejlde] What can old Holifernes want (o 
continually with Mifs Wailingham ? [Exit 

GEN. When I bring this fweet mild creature home, 
I mail be able to break her fpirit to my own wifhes 
I'll inure her to proper difcipline from the aril mo- 
ment, and make ntr tremble at the very thought of 

TOR. Ah, General, you arc wonderfully .brave, 
\vhen you knew the meekneis of your adverfary. 

GEN. Envy, Torrington ftark, ftaring envy: 

few fellows, on the borders cf fifry, have fo much 
reafon as myfelfj to boail of a bloomingyoung woman's 

Ton. On the borders of fifty, man! beyond the 
confines of threeicore. 

GN. The more reafon I have to boaft of my vic- 
tory then ; but don't Crumble at my triumph, you 
{hall have a kifs of the bride, let that content you, 
1 orrington. 

Enter Mifs Walfmgham, 

. Mifs WAL. Gentlemen, your; molt obedient :. Ge- 
neral, I intended writing to you about a trifling mif- 
take ; but poor Mrs. BelvrUe has been fo. very ill, 
that I cou'tJn't find an opportun'ty. 

GEN. I rn very lorry for ?/irs. Belville's illncfs, 
but I am hsppy, Madam, to be j-^rfonally in the way 
of receiving your commands, and I wait upon you 
with Mr, Torrington, to talk about a marriage let- 

Mifi W,AL. f leavens !- how fnall I undeceive him P 


TOR. 'Tis rather an aukward bufmefs, Mifs Wal- 
nngham, to trouble you upon , but as the General 
xvijhcs that t!,e affair 'may be as private as pofiible, 
Iv^ thought it better to fpeak to yourfelf, than to treat 
v;;th any other perfon. 

Yes, my lovely girl j and to convince you ? 


'The SCHOOL for WIVES. 61 

that I intend to carry on an honourable war, not to 
pillage like a frec-booter, Mr. Torrington will be a 

Mifs WAL. I am infinitely oblig'd to your inten- 
tion, but there's no necciiity to talk about any fettle- 
men t for 

GEN. Pardon me, Madam, pardon me, there is 
befides, I have determin'd that there lhall be one, 
and what I once determine is abfolute. - A tolerable 
hint for her own behaviour, when I have married her, 
Torringt-jn. (afide to Tor. 

Mifs YS'AL. I muft not {hock him Dciore Mr. Tor- 
rington (cJide). GL.XIM! Savage, \vill you give me 
leave to ipeak a ft\v v, jras in private to you. 

GE::. There is no occalion for ibuiiti'iig a retreat, 
.Madam j Mr. lonmgton is acq-Jainted with the 
whole bufineis, ana I am ucienmn'd, for your lake, 
that notfifmg ilu 1 be done without him. 

Tor,. I can have no objection to your hearing the 
lady ex parte, General. 

Mifs WAL. v'vnat I have to fay, Sir, is of a very 
particular m-iure. 

TOR. (rifmjr) I'll leave the room then. 

GE?;. (cpptfing him) You fhan't leave the room, 
Torrino-ton. iVLls Waifingiiam fhall have a fpeci- 

tp . O i 

men of my conmand, even before marriage, and you 
fhall fee, that every woman is not to bully me out of 
my determinAtion. (afidc to Tcr.} 

Mifs WAL. Well, General, you muft have your 
own Wry. 

GEX: (to Tor-} Don't you fee that it's only righting 
the battle Hourly at tint, with one of thefe gentle crea- 
tures ? 

TOR. (fignificantly] Ah, General ! 

GLN. I own, M..dam, your fituation is a diftrelT- 
ing onr , let us fit downlet us fit down 

Mifs WAL. It is unipeakably diitrelTing indeed, Sir. 

TOR. Diftreflirig however as it may be, we muft pro- 

6ft the SCHOOL for WJVES. 

i j 

eeed to ifiue, Madam ; the General propofes your 
jointure to be icool. a year. 

Mifs WAL. General Savage ! 

GEN. You think this too little, perhaps ? 

Mifs. WAL. I can't think of any jointure, Sir. 

TOR. Why to be fure, a jointure it at bed but a 
melancholly pofieffion, for it mufl be purchafed by 
the lofs of the hufband you love. 

jVf//}WAL. Pray don't name it, Mr. Torrington. 

GEN. (kiffing ber hand} A thoufand thanks to you, 
my lovely girl. 

Mifs WAL. For heaven's fake, let go my hand. 

GEN. I fliall be mad 'till it gives me legal poiTef- 
fion of the town. 

Mifs WAL. Gentlemen General Mr. Torring- 
ton- I beg you'll hear me. 

GEN. By all means, my adorable creature , I can never 
have too many proofs of your dilinterefted afte&ion. 

Mifs WAL. There is a capital miflake in this whole 
affair I am finking under a load of diftrefs. 

GEN. Your confufion makes you look charming- 
ly though. 

Mifs WAL. There is no occafion to talk of join- 
tures or marriages to me ; I am not going to be married. 

TOR. What's this ? 

Mifs WAL. Nor have I an idea in nature, however 
enviable I think the honour, of being your wife, Sir. 

GEN. Madam ! 

TOR. Why here's a demur ! 

Mifs WAL. I am afraid, Sir, that in our converfation 
this morning, my confufion arifing from the particu- 
larity of the fubjecT:, has led you into a material mif- 

GEN. I am thunderflruck, madam ! I cou'dn't 
miltake my ground. 

TOR. As clear a nol: prof: as ever was iffued by an 
attorney general. 

GEN. Surely you can't forget, that at the firil 
word you hung cut a flag of truce, told me even 



that I had a previous friend in the fort, and didn't fo 
much as hint at a fingle article of capitulation ? 

TOR. Now for the rejoinder to this replication. 

Mifs WAL. All this is unqueftionably true, General, 
and perhaps a good deal more ; but in reality my 
confufion before you on this iubjecl: to day, was luch, 
that I fcarcely knew what I faid ; I was dying with 
diftrefs, and at this moment am very little better j 
permit me to retire, General Savage, and only fuffer me 
10 add, that tho' I think myfelf highly flatter'd by your 
addrefles, it is impoflible for me ever to receive them. 
Lord ! Lord ! I am glad its over in any manner. [#, 

TOR. Why, we are a little out in this matter, 
General*, the judge has decided againft us, when we 
imagin'd ourfelves fure of the caufe. 

GEN. The gates fhut in my teeth, juft as I expec- 
ted the keys from the governor. 

Tor. I am difappointed myfelf, man j, I fhan't 
have a kifs of the bride. 

GEN. At my time of life too ! 

TOR, I (aid from the firft you were too oM for her. 

GEN. Zounds to fancy myfelf fure of her, and to 
triumph upon a certainty of victory . 

TOR. Ay, and to kifs her hand in a rapturous re- 
turn for her tendernefs to you : let me advife you 
never to kifs before folks, as long as you live again. 

GEN. Don't diftract me, Torrington! a joke, where 
a friend has the misfortune to lofe the battle, is a. 
downright inhumanity. 

TOR. You told me that your fon had accus'd her 
of fornething that you would not hear ; fuppole we 
call at his lodgings, he perhaps, as an amicus-cwi*f 9 
may be able to give us a little information. 

GEN. Thank you for the thought-, But keep your 
nger more than ever upon you lips, dear Torringtoru 
You know how I dread the danger of ridicule, and it 
wou'd be too much, not on?y to be thram'd out of 
the field, but to be laugh'd at into the bargain. 

64 T6f SCHOOL for WIVfeS. 

TOR. I thought when you made a prefentmcnt of 
your iweet perfon to Mifs Waliingham, that the bill 
wou'd be return'd ignoramus. [Exeunt. 


Mrs. BELVILLE and Lady RACHEL MILDEW, difio* 
vered on a Sopba. 

Lady RACH. You heard what Captain Savage faid ? 

Mrs. BEL. I would flatter mylelf, but my heart 
will not fufFer it ; the Park might be too full for the 
horrid purpofe, and perhaps they are gone to decide 
the quarrel in Ibme other place. 

Lady RACH. The Captain enquir'd of numbers in 
the Park without hearing a fyllable of them, and is 
therefore pofitive that they are parted without doing 
any mifchief. 

Mrs. BEL. I am, neverthdefs, torn by a thoufand 
ap^rehenfions, and my fancy, with a gloomy kind of 
fondnefs, fallens on the moil deadly, This very 
morning, I exuitingly numbered mylelf in the cata- 
logue of the happieft wives. Perhaps I am a wife 
no longer ; perhaps, my little innocents, your im-' 
happy father is at this moment breathing his laftfigh, 
and wifhing, O, how vainly ! that he had not pre- 
fer'd a guilty pleafure to his own life, to my eternal 
peace of mind, and your felicity ! 

Enter SPRUCE. 

SPRUCE. Madam ! madam! my matter! my mailer I 
Mrs. BEL. Is he fafe? 


BEL. My love! 

Mrs. BEL. O Mr. Belville ! (/.. 

BEL. Afliftance, quick ! . 
Lady RACH. There me revives. 
BEL. The angcl-foftnefs ! how this rends my heart ? 
Mrs. BEL. O, Mr. Belville, if you couYl conceive 


S C H O O L for W I V E S. 65 

the agonies I have endur'd, you would avoid the pof- 
fibility of another quarrel as long as you liv'd, out 
of common humanity. 

BEL. My deareil creature, fpare thefe tender re- 
proaches-, you know not how fufficiently I am punifh'd 
to fee you thus miferable. 

Lady RACH. That's pleafant indeed, when you have 
yourfclf deliberately loaded her with affliction. 

BEL. Pray, pray Lady Rachel, have a little mercy : 
Your poor humble fervant has been a very naughty 
boy,~but if you only forgive him this Jingle time, he 
will never more defer ve the rod of correction. 

Mrs-. BEL. Since you arereturn'd fafe, I am happy. 
Etf cufe thefe foolifh tears, they gum in fpite of me. 

BEL. How contemptible do they render me, my love! 

Lody RACK. Come, my dear, you muft turn your 
mind from this gloomy fubject. Suppofe we flep 
up flairs and communicate our plealure to Mils 
Walfingham ? 

Mrs. BEL. With all my heart. Adieu, recreant! 
[Exeunt Mrs. Bel. and Lady Rach. 

BEL. I don't deferve fuch a woman, I don't deferve 
her. Yet, I believe I am the firft hufband, that ever 
found fault with a wife, for having too much goodnefs. 

Enter SPRUCE. 

"What's the matter ? 

SPRUCE. Your fitter 

BEL. What of my fifter ? 

SPRUCE. Sir, is elop'd. 

BEL. My fifter ! 

SPRUCE. There is a letter left, Sir, in which me 
fays, that her motive was a diflike to a match with 
Captain Savage, as fhe has plac'd her affections un- 
alterably on another gentleman. 

BEL. Death and damnation ! 

SPRUCE. Mrs. Moreland, your mother, is in the 
grcateft diftrefs, Sir, and begs you will immediately 


46 *2* SCHOOL>r WIVES. 

go with the fcrvant that brought the mefTage ; for he 
obferving the young lady's maid carrying fome bundle* 
out, a little lufpicioufly, thought there muft be fomc 
Icheme going on, and dogg'd a hackney coach, in, 
which Mifs Morland went off, to the very houfe where 
it fet her down. 

BEL. Bring me to the fervant, inflantly ; but don't 
let a fyllable of this matter reach my wife's ears, her 
fpirits are already too mnch agitated. [Exit. 

SPRUCE. Zounds ! we mail be paid home, for the 
tricks we have play'd in other families. [Exit. 

Scene flanges to Caff. SAVAGE'S Lodgings. 
Enter Captain SAVAGE. 

CAPT. The vehemence of my refentment againft 
this abandon'd woman has certainly led me too far. I 
fhou'dn't have acquainted her with my difcovery of her 
bafenefs j no, if I had a<5led properly, I fliould have 
conceal'd all knowledge of the tranfa&ion 'till the very 
moment of her guilt, and then burft upon her when 
fhe was folacing with her paramour, in ail the fulnefs 
of fecurity. Now, if me mould either alter her mind > 
with refpeft to going to the mafquerade, or go in a 
different habit to elude my obfervation, I not only 
lofe the "opportunity of expofmo; her, but give her 
time to plan fome plaufible excufe for her infamous 
letter to Belville. 

Enter a Servant. 

SER. General Savage, and Mr. Torrington, Sir. 
CAPT. You blockhead, why did you let them wait 
a moment ? Vv'hat can be the meaning of this vifit ? 

[Ex. Servant. 

Enter General SAVAGE, and TORRINGTON. 

GEN. I come, Horace, to talk to you about Mils 

Me SCHOOL for WIVES. 67 

CAPT. She's the moft worthlefs woman exifting, 
Sir : I can convince you of it. 

GEN. I have already chang'd my own opinion of her. 

CAPT. What you have found her out yourfelf, Sir ? 

TOR. Yes, he has made a trifling diicovery. 

GEN. S'death, don't make me contemptible to my 
fon. (ajide to TOR, 

CAPT. But, Sir, what inflance of her precious 
behaviour has come to your knowledge ? For an hour 
has fcarcely clapfed, fmce you thought her a miracle 
of goodnels 

TOR.. Ay, he has thought her a miracle of good- 
nefs, within this quarter of an hour. 

GEN. Why fhe has a manner that wou'd impofe 
upon all the world. 

CAPT. Yes, but fhe has a manner alfo to undeceive 
the world thoroughly. 

TOR. That we have found pretty recently; how- 
ever, in this land of liberty, none are to be pronounc- 
ed guilty, 'till they are positively convicted i I can't 
therefore find againft Mils Walfingham, upon the 
bare ftrength of prefumptive evidence. 

CAPT. Prefumptive evidence \ hav'n't I promis'd 
you ocular demonilration ? 

TOR. Ay, but 'till we receive this demonftration, 
my good friend, we cannot give judgement. 

CAPT. Then I'll tell you at onie, who is the ob- 
ject of her honourable affections. 

GEN. Who who 

CAPT. What would you think if they were plac'd 
on Belville ? 

GEN. Upon Belville! has fhe deferted to him from 
the corps of virtue ? 

CAPT. Yes, {he wrote to him, defiring to be taken 
from the mafquerade to fome convenient icene of 
privacy, and tho' I have feen the letter, fhe has the 
impudence to deny her own hand. 

GEN. What a fiend is there then difguis'd under the 
uniform of an angel ! TOR.. 

68 We S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

TOR. The delicate creature that was dying with 
confufion ! 

CAPT. Only come with me to the mafquerade, and 
you fhall fee Belville carry her off: Twas about 
the fcandalous appointment with him, I was fpeaking, 
when you eoncciv'd I treated her fo rudely. 

GEN. And you were only anxious to mew her in 
her real character to me, when I was fo exceedingly 
offended with you. 

CAPT. Nothingelfe in the world, Sir; I knew you 
would defpife and deteft her, the moment you were 
acquainted with her bafenefs. 

GEN. How fhe brazen'd it 'out before my face, and 
what a regard Ihe affected for your interelt ! I was a 
madman not to liften then to your explanation. 

TOR. Tho' you both talk this point well, I ftill fee 
nothing but ftrong prefumption againft Mifs Walfing- 
ham : Miftakes have already happened, miftakes may 
happen again , and I will not give up a lady's honour, 
upon an evidence that wou'd not cafl a common pick- 
pocket at the Old Baily. 

CAPT. Come to the mafquerade then and be con vinc'd. 

GEN. Let us detach a party for drefTes immediately. 
Yet remember, Torrington, that the punctuality of evi- 
dence which is neceflary in a court of law, is by no 
means requifite in a court of honour. 

TOR. Perhaps it would be more to the honour of 
your honourable courts if it was. [Exeunt. 

y'he Scene changes to an Apartment at Mrs. Crayon'j. 
BEL. (Mind.} My dear, you muft excufe me. 
MAID. Indeed, Sir, you muft not go up ftairs. 
BEL. Indeed but I will ; the man is pofitive to 
the hcuie, and I'll fearch every room in it, from the 
cellar to the garret, if I don't find the lady. James, 
don't ftir from the ftreet door. 

Enter Belville folio-wed by a Maid. 
MAID. Sir, you are the ftrangeft gentleman I ever 

Me SCHOOL for WIVE S. 6? 

met with in all my born days : I wifli my miftrefs 
was at home. 

BEL. I am a ftrange fellow, my dear But if your 
millrcis was ut home, I fliou'd cake the liberty of 
peeping into the apartments. 

MAID. Sir, there's company in that room, you 
can't go in there. 

BEL. Now that's the very re.ifon I will go in. 

MAID. This mufc be fome great man, or he 
v/ou'dn't behave fo obftropolous. 

BEL. Good manners by your leave a. little, (forcing 
the door.) Whoever my gentleman is, I'll call him to 
a fevere reckoning : I have been jufl call'd to one 
myielf, for making free with another man's filler. 

Enter Leefon followed by Connolly. 

LEES. Who is it that dares commit an outrage upon 
this apartment ? 

CON. An Englishman's very lodging-, ay, and an 
Irifhmpn's too, I hope, is his caftle ; an Infhman 
is an Englifhman all the world over. 

BEL. Mr. Leefon ! 

MAID. O we (hail h,;ve murder. (running of. 

CON. Run into that room, my dear, and flay with 
the young lady. (Exit Maid. 

LEES. And Connolly let nobody elfe into that room. 

CON. Let me alone for that, honey, if this 
gentleman has fj fry people. 

LEES. Whence is it, Mr. Belville, that you per- 
fecute me thus with injuries ? 

BEL. I am fill'd with aftonifhment ! 

CON. Faith, to fpeak the truth, you do look a little 

LLES. Anfwer me, Sir^ what is the foundation of 
this new violence ? 

BEL. I am come, Mr. Leefon, upon an affair, Sir 

CON. The devil burn me if he was half fo much- 
contounded a while ago, when there was a naked fword 
at his breafL BE.L, 

7 o r/je SCHOOL for WIVES. 

BEL. I am come, Mr. Leefon, upon an affair, Sir, 
that How the devil dial! I open it to him, fmce the 
tables are io fairly turn'd upon me. 
. LEES. Difpatch, Sir, for I have company in the 
next room. 

BEL. A lady, I fnppofe ? 

LEES. Suppofe it is, Sir ? 

BEL. And the lady's name is Moreland, isn't it, Sir? 

LEES. I can't fee what bufmefs you have with her 
name, Sir, You took away my fifter, and I hope you 
have no ddigns upon the lady in the next room. 

BEL. Indeed but I have. 

1 .EES. The devil you have ! 

CON. V/ell, this : .s the molt unaccountable man 1 
c^er heard of, he'll have all the women in the town, 
1 believe, 

LEES, And pray, Sir, what pretenfions, have you 
to the lady in the next room, even fuppofmg her to 
be Mils Morcland ? 

BEL. No other pretenfions than what a brother 
Jfcould have to the defence of his fitter's honom : You 
thought yourfelf authorifed to cut my throat a-while 
ago in a ii.rular bufmefs. 

LEES. And is Mils Moreland your fifter ? 

BEL. Sir, there is iniblcnce in that queftion ; ye 
know fhe is. 

LEES. By heaven, I did not know it till this mo- 
ment \ but I rtjoice at the difcovery : This is blow 
for blow ! 

CON. Devil burn me but they have fairly made a 
fwop of it. 

BEL. And you really didn't know that Mifs More- 
land was my iiiler ? 

. LEES. I con't conceive myfelf under much ne- 
ceflity of apologizing to you, Sir'; but I am incapa- 
ble of a difhonourabk defign upon any woman , and 
' Mils Morcland in our ihort acquaintance, re- 


peatedly mentioned her brother, me never once told 
me that his name was Bclville. 

Cox. And he has had fuch few opportunities of 
being in her company, unk-fs by letters, .honey, that 
he knew nothing more of her connections, than her 
being a fweet pretty creter, and having 30,000 1. 

BEL. The fortune, I dare fay, no way leflened the 
force of her attractions. 

LEES. I am above diflimiilation It really did nor. 

BEL. Well, Mr. Leefon, our families have (hewn 
fuch a very ftrong inclination to come together, that 
it would really be a pity to difappoint them. 

CON. Upon my foul and fo it would ; thouo-h the 
dread of being forc'd to have a hufband, the you no- 
lady tells us, quicken'd her refolution to marry this 

BEL. O me had no violence of that kind to appre- 
hend from her family ; therefore, Mr. Leefon, fined 
you ieem as neceffary for the girl's happin'efs, as flic 
ieems for your's, you mall marry her here in town, 
with' the confent of all her friends, and fave yourfelf 
the trouble of an expedition to Scotland. 

LEES. Can I believe you ferious ? 

BEL. Zounds, Leefon, that air of furprife is a fad 
reproach ! I didn't furprife you when I did a bad action, 
but I raife your aftonimment, when I do a good one. 

CON. And by my foul, Mr. Belville, if you knew 
how a good action becomes a man, you'd never do 
a bad one as long as you liv'd. 

LEES. You have given me life and happinefs in 
one day, Mr. Belville ! however, it is now time you 
mould fee your fitter ; I know you'll be gentle with 
her, tho' you have fo much reaibn to condemn her 
choice, and generoufly remember that her elopement 
proceeded from the great improbability there was of a 
beggar's ever meeting with the .approbation of her 

72 tte S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

BEL. Don't apologize for your circumftances, Lee- 
fon ; a princefs could do no more than make you 
happy, and if you make her fo, you meet her upon 
terms of the moil perfect equality. 

.LEES. This is a new way of thinking, Mr. Belville. 

BEL. 'Tis only an honeft way of thinking, and I 
confider my filler a gainer upon the occufion ; for a 
man of your merit is more difficult to be found, than 
a woman of her fortune. [Exeunt Lee fon and Behille. 

CON. What's the reafon now that I can't ikip, and 
laugh, and rejoice, at this affair ? Upon my foul my 
heart's as full as if I had met with, fome great misfor- 
tune. Well, pleafure in the extreme is certainly a 
very painful thing : I am really afham'd of thcfe wo- 
Jnans drops> and yet I don't know but that I ought 
to blufh for being afham'd of them, for I am lure no- 
body's eye ever looks half fo well, as when it is dif- 
figured by a tear of humanity. [Exif. 


SCENE a Drawing-Room. 

BEL. VV ELL, happinefs is once more mine, and 
the women are all going in tip-top fpirits to ^hc 
mafquerade. Now, Mr. Belville, let me have a few 
words with you -, Mifs Walfingham, the ripe, the 
luxurious Mils Walfingham, expects to find you there 
burning with impatience : But, my dear friend, 
after the occurrences of the day, can you be weak 
enough to plunge into frefh crimes ? Can you be bafc 


The S C H O O L fir W I V E S. 73 

enough to abufe the goodnefs of that angel your wife \ 
and wicked enough, not only to deftroy the innocence 
which is fhelter'd beneath your own roof, but to ex- 
pole your family perhaps again, to the danger ot 
lofing a fon, a brother, a father, and a huiband ? 
1'he poffeflion of the three Graces is furely too poor 
a recompence for the folly you mufl commit, for the 
mame you mutt feel, and the confcquences you mull 
hazard. Upon my foul if I ftruggie ,a little longer, 
I mall rife in my own opinion, and be Icfs a raicil 
than I think myfelf : -Ay, but the object is bewitch- 
ing , the mutter will be an eternal iecret and if it 
is known that I ineak in this pitiful m.nne'rfrom a 
fine woman, when the whole elyfium of her perfon 
folicits me : -well, and am I afraid the world mould 
know that I have fnrunk from an infamous action ? A 
thoufand blefllngs on you dear conference for that one ar- 
gument j I (hall be an honeft man after all Suppofe, 
however, that I give her the meeting , that's danger- 
ous-, that's dangerous : and I am fo little accuftomed 
to do what is right, that I fhall certainly do what is 
wrong, the moment I am in the^ way of temptation. 
Come, Belville, youK refolution is not fo very {lender 
a dependawce, and you owe Mifs Walfmgham re- 
paration for the injury which you have done her prin- 
ciples. I'll give her the meeting I'll take her to the 
houfe I intended I'll Zounds! what a fool I have 
been all this time, to look for precarious fatisfaftion. 
in vice, when there is fuch exqu.fite pleafure to b 
found at a certainty in virtue ! [Ex:! 

Enter Lady Rachel and Mrs Belville. 

Lady RACH. For mirth fake don't let him fee u= : 
There has been a warm debate between his paflion and 
his confcience. 

Mrs. BEL And the latter is the conqueror, my life 
for it. 

Lady RACH. Dear Mrs. Belville you -re the belt 
ef women, and ought to have the belt of httibjjftis. 

L Mrs. 

74 We SCHOOL for WIVE 3. 

Mrs. BEL. I huve the beft of hufbands. 

Lady RACH. I have not time to difpute the matter 
with you now -, but I fhall put you into my comedy to 
teach wives, that the bcft receipt for matrimonial hap- 
pmejs, is to be deaf, dumb, and blind. 

Mrs. BEL. i j oh ! poh ! you are a iatireft, Lady 
Rachel But v,e are lofing time; fhou'dn't we put 
on cur drcffes, and prepare for the grand Icene ? 

Lady RACH. Don't you tremble at the trial ? 

Mr 5. BEL. Not in the leaft, I am lure my heart has 
no occafi'on. 

Lady RACH. Hive you lei Mifs Walfihgham ints 
our little plot ? 

Mrs. BEL. You know me cou'd not be infenfible 
of iMr. Beiville's defign upon herfelf, and it is no far- 
ther than' that d.fij;n, we have any thing to carry into 

Lady RACK. Well, fne may fcrve to facilitate the 
matter, and therefore 1 am not forry that you have 
tr ufled her. 

Mrs. BEL. We fhall be too late, and then what 
fgnifies all your fine p'otting. 

Lady RACH. Is it not a little pang of jealoufy that 
wou'cl fain now quicken o\;r motions ? 

Mrs. BEL. No, Lady Rachel, it is a certainty of 1 
my hul band's love and gent-roiity r that makes me 
wtfh to come to the trial. I wou'd not exchange my 
confidence in his affections lor all the mines of Peru; 
ib nothing you can fay will make me miferable. 

Lady RACH. You are a moft unaccountable wo- 
man-, fo away with you. [Exeunt, 

SCENE continued. 
E. f er Spruce and Ghaftly. 

SPRUCE. Why, Ghaftly, the old general your m af- 
ter is a greater foci than I ever thought he was : He- 
-* r.nt to marry Mils Wdfingham ? 

. Mrs. Temptft iufpt-cled that there was 



fo,n?.etlung going forward, by ail his hugger-mugger 
confulting withMr. Yorrington -, and loietmeon co liiccn. 

SPHUCE. She's a good friend of your's, and thac 
thills llu made the General g : vc you .the ocher day in 
tilt hofpital, is I fuppoie ainug hundred a year. 

GHAST. Better than two -, I wafh for near four 
thoufand people : there was a major of hone who 
put in tor it, and pleaded a large family - 

SPRUCE. With long fer vices, I fuppofe. 

GHAST. Yes, but Mrs, Temp-jit infilled upon rny long 
fervices; fo the major was let afide However to keep 
the thing from the dimn'd News-papers, I fancy he 
will fucceed the barber, who died kill night, pjor wo- 
man, of a iy:n t v-In fever, ^frer being brought to bed 
of three children, Places in public inftitutions, 

SPRUCE. A re often fweetly diposM 1 think of aiking 
Eclville for fom, thing., one of thefc days, 

GHAST. He has great int^rcft, 

SPRUCE. I might be a juftice of peace, if I plea fed, 
and in a fhabby neighbourhood, where the rrnre 
1 wearing would bring in fomething tolerable ; but 
there are fo many ftrange people let into the com- 
rniilion now-a-dayi, .that I fnou'dr/t like to huvc my 
name in the lift. 

GHAST. You are right. 

SPRUCE. No, no, I bave that to paltry tradefmcn, 
and {hall think of fome 1 ttle fmccure, or a faiull 
penlion on the Irimeftabllfhrnent. 

GHAST. Well, fuccefs attend you. I mull hobble 
home as fail as I can, to know if Mrs. Tempeft has 
any orders. O, there's a rare itorm brewing for oar 
old goat of a General. 

SP < UCE. When fhall we crack a bottle together ? 

GHAST. O, I fhan't touch a glafs of Claret thefe 
three weeks -, for laft night I gave nature a little :iil:p 
with a drunken bout, sccord ; ng to the doctor's* dire.c-' 
ti&ns -, I have entirely left ofFbread, and I am in great 
hopes that I (hall get rid of my gout by theJfe means, 

L 2 ci.t- 

76 ne S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

fpecially if I can learn to cat my meat quite raw like 
a cannibal. 

SPRUCE. Ha, ha, ha! 

GHAST, Look at me, Spruce, I was once as likely a 
young fellow as any under ground in the whole parifh of 
St. James's :--but waiting on the General fo many years. 

SPRUCE. Ay, and following his example, Ghaftly. 

GHAST. 'Tis too true : has reduc'd me to what you 
fee. . Thefe miferable fpindles wou'd do very well for 
a lord or a duke, Spruce -, but they are a fad difgrace 
to a poor valet de chambre. [Exit. 

SPRUCE, Well, I don't believe there's a gentleman's 
gentleman within the weekly bills, who joins a pru- 
dent folicitude for the main-chance, to a ftrict care 
of his conflitution, better than myfelf. I have a 
little o-irl who ftands me in about three guineas a 

O O 

week , I never bet more than a pound upon a rubber 
of whift ; I always fleep with my head very warm ; 
r.nd fwallow a new laid egg every morning with my 
chocolate. [Exit. 

''The Scene changes to the Street, two Chairs 
crofs the Stage, knock at a Door, and fet down 
BELVILLE and a Lady. 

BEL. This way, my dear creature ! [Exeunt. 

Enter Gtn. Savage, Capt. Savage, and Torrington, 

CAPT. There ! there they go in : You fee the 
place is quite convenient, not twenty yards from the 

GEN. How clofely the fellow flicks to her. 

TOR. Like the great feal to the peerage patent of a 
cV.ncellor, But, gentlemen, we have ft ill no more 
than proof prefumptive : where is the ocular de- 
ihonilration which we were to have ? 

CAPT. I'll fvvear to the blue domino ; 'tis a very 
remarkable one, and fo is Belville's.- 

TOR. You wou'd have rare cuftom among the New- 

We SCHOOL for WIVES. 77 

gate follicitors, if you'd venture an oath upon th& 
identity of the party under it. 

GEN. 'Tis the very fize and fliape of Mifs Wal- 

TOR. And yet I have a ftrange notion that there- is 
a trifling alibi in this cafe. 

GEN. It wou'd be a damn'd affair if we fhoXiM be 

CAPT. O, follow me, here's the door left luckily 
open, and I'll foon clear up the matter beyond a 
q ueftion . [Enters the houfe. 

TOR. Why your fon is mad, General. This mull 
produce a deadly breach with Belvillc. For heav'n's 
fake, let's go in and prevent any excefies of his rafhnefs. 

GEN, By all means, or the poor fellow's generous 
anxiety on my account may be productive of very 
facal confluences. Exeunt. 

Ihe Scene changes to an aparment, Belville 
and a lady in a blue domino mafid. 

BEL. My dear Mils Walfmgham, we are now per- 
fectly fafe, yet I \vill by no means intreat you to im- 
mafk, becaufe I am ccnvinc'd, from the propriety with 
\\hich you repuls'd my addrefles this morning, that 
you intend the prefent interview mould make me (till 
more deeply fenfible of my prefumption. I never 
lied fo aukwardly in all my life ; if it was to make 
her comply, I fhould be at no lofs for language. (af:dc] 
The fituation in which I muft appear before you, Ma- 
dam, is certainly a very humiliating one , but I am 
pcriuaded that your generofity will be gratified to 
hear, that I have bid an everlafting adieu to my pro- 
fligacy, and am now only alive to the virtues of Mrs. 
Belville. She won't fpeak I don't wonder at it, for 
brazen as I am myfelf, if I met fo mortifying a re- 
je&ion. 1 mould be curkdly out of countenance. 


78 We S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

CAPT. (behind) I will go in. 

GRN. ( behind.) I command you to defifl. 

TOR. (behind.) This will be an affair for the 

(The noife grows more violent , #// continues. 

BEL. Why, what the devil is all this ? Don't be. 
slarm'd, Mifs Walfingham, be aflur'd I'll protect 
you at the hazard of my lifer ; flep into this clofet, - 
vou fhan't be difcover'd depend upon it ; (Jbe goes 
in) : And now to End out the caufe of this con-r 
fufion. ( unlocks tie door. 

Enter Gen. Savage, Capf. Savage x and Torrington. 

BEL. Savage! what is the meaning of this ftrangq 
behaviour ? 

CAPT. Where is Mifs Walflngham ? 

BEL. So then, Sir, this is a premeditated fcheme^ 
for which I am oblig'd to your rrieiddvp. 

CAPT. Where's Mifs W 'alfingham, Sir? 

GEN. Dear Belville, he is out of his frnfes ; this 
(lorm was entirely againft my orders. 

TOR. If he proceeds much longer in thefe vaga- 
lies, we mult amufe him with a commifTun of lunacy, 

B^-L. This is neither a time nor a place for argu- 
ment, Mr. Torrington ; but as you and the Generat 
fcem to be in the pofllffion of your ienfes, I fh^H be 
glad if you'll take this very friendly gentleman 
away ; and depend upon it, I ihan't die in his debt 
for the prefent obligation. 

CAPT. And depend upon it, Sir, piy the obliga- 
tion when you whl, I fnan't ftir 'till I lee M Is Wai- 
fmgham. Look'ee, Bclville, there are fecret reaions 
for my behaving in this manner ; reaibns, which you 
yourfelf will approve, when you know tium; -my 
father here 

GE-ST. Difavows your conducl in ever/ particular, 
and would rejoice to iec you at the halber Js 


'"The SCHOOL for WIVES. 79 

TOR. And, for my part, I told him previoufly 
*twas a downright burglary. 

BEL. Weil, gertttetrtetr, let your different motives 
for breaking in upon me in this agreeable manner, 
be what they may, I don't fee that I am lefs annoy'd 
by my friends than my enemy. I muft therefore 
again, requeft that you will all walk down ftairs, 

CAPT. I'll firft walk into this room. 

BEL. Really, I think you will not. 

GEN. What phrenzy pofTeffes the fellow to urge 
this matter farther ? 

CAPT. While there's a fmgle doubt me triumphs 
over juftice; (drawing.) I will go into that room. 

BEL. Then you muft make ycur way thro' me. 

Enter Mrs. Belville. 

Mrs. BEL. Ah ! 

CAPT, There, I knew fhe was in the room : 
there's the blue domino. 

GEN. Put up your fword, if you don't defire to 
be cafhier'd from my favour for ever. 

BEL. Why, wou'd you come out, madam ? But, 
you have nothing to apprehend. 

CAPT. Pray, madam, will you have the good nefs 
to unmafk ? 

BEL. She fhan't unmafk. 

CAPT. I fay me fhall. 

BEL. I fay flic fhall not. 

Mrs. BEL. Pray, let me oblige the gentleman ? 

CAPT. Death and deftru&ion, here's a difcovery ! 

GEN. and TOR. Mrs. Belville ! 

Mrs. BEL. Yes, Mrs. Belville, gentlemen: Is cofi- 
fngal fidelity fo very terrible a thing now a-days-; 
that a man is to fuffer death for being found irt 
company with his own wife ? 

BEL. My love, this is a furprize, indeed But it 
is a moft agreeable one ; fmce you find me really 
.smam'd of my former follies, iind cannot now doubt 
the fmcerity of my reformation. Mrs. BEL 

80 rte S C H O O L for W I V E S. 

. BEL. I am too happy ! this fmgle moment 
wou'd over pay a whole life of anxiety. 

BEL. Where (hall I attend you? Will you return 
to the mafqueradc ? 

Mrs. BEL, O no 1 Lady Rachel and Mils Walfing- 
ham are by this time at our houfe, with Mr. Leefon and 
the Trim gentleman whom you prefs'd into our party, 
impatiently expecting the remit of this adventure. 

BEL. Give me leave to conduct you home then from 
this fcene of confufion. To-morrow, Captain Savage, 
I fhall beg the favour of your explanation ; (afide to 
him as be goes out.} Kind gentlemen, your moft 
humble fervant. 

Mrs. BEL. And when you next difturb a tcte a 
tite, for pity to a poor wife, don't let it be fo very 
uncullomary a party, as the matrimonial one. 

{Exeunt Bel. and Mrs. Bel. 

GEN. (to the Capf.} So, Sir, you have led us upon 
a blefled expedition here. 

TOR. Now, don't you tlrnk that if your courts of 
honour, likeour courts of law, fearch'd a little minutely 
into evidence, it wou'd be equally to the credit of 
their underftandings ? 

CAPT. Tho' I am cover'd with confufion at my 
miftake (for you fee, Belville was miftaken as well 
as my felf J I am overjoy'd at this difcovery of Mils 
Walfingham's innocence. 

GEN. I mou'd exult in it too, with a feu de joy, 
if it didn't now mew the impoilibility of her ever 
being Mrs. Savage. 


CAPT. Dear Sir, why Ihould you think that an 
impoflibility^ Tho' fome miftaker have occurred 
tonfequence I fuppofe, of Mrs. Belville's little plot 
tipon her hu(band, I dare fay Mifs Walfinghain may- 
yet be prevail'd upon to come into our family. 

TOR. Take care of a new error in your proceed- 
ings, ycamg gentleman. 


<fbe SCHOOL for WIVES. 81 

GEN. Ay, another defeat would make us com* 
pleatly dcipicable. 

CAPT. Sir, I'll forfeit my life, if fhe does not 
confent to the marriage this very night. 

GEN. Only bring this matter to bear, and I'll foN 
give you every thing. 

TOR. The Captain mou'd be infornrdj I think 
General, that (he declin'd it peremptorily this evening. 

GEN', Ay, do you hear that,, Horace ? 

CAPT. I am not at all furpriz'd at it, confidering 
the general mifconception we iabour'd under. But I'll 
immediately to B^lvilie's, explain the whole myitery, 
and conclude every thing to your fatisfaction. [Exit. 

GEN. So, Torrington, we fhall be able to take the 
field again, you ice. 

TOR. But how in the name, of wonder has your 
fon found out your intention of marrying Mifs Wai* 
fingharn ? I look'ci upon myklf as the only perfon, 
acquainted with the iecret. 

. GEN. That thought has mar'ch'd itfclf two or 
three times to my own recollection. For tho* I 
gave him -ibme diftant hints of the affair, I took parti- 
cular care to keep behind the works of a proper cir> 
cuml peel: ion 

TOR. O, if you gave him any hints at all, I am 
not furpriz'd at his diicovering every thincr. 

GEN. I fhall be all impatience 'till I' hear of his 
interview with Mils Walfingham : Suppofe my deaf 
friend we went to Belviile's, 'tis but in the next 
ftreet, and we fhall be there in the lighting of a match. 

TOR. Really this is a pretty bufmefs for a man of 
my age and profeffion, trot here, trot there. But) 
as I have bceo weak enough to rfiake myielf a kind' 
of party in the caufe, J o*wn that I have curiofity- 
cnougli to be anxious about the determination. 

GEN. Come along my old boy ; and remember 
ihe fonff, u Servile fpirits, &c." [Exeunt. 


s c H o d L for w i v ESv 

Scene changes to Belville's. 

Enter Captain Savage and Mifs Walfingham. 

CAPT. Nay, but my deareft Mils Walfingham^ 
the extenuation of my own conduct to Belville 
made it abfolutcly necefiary for me to difcover my 
engagements with you , and as happinefs is now fo 
fortunately in our reach, I flatter myfclf you will be 1 
prevaii'd upon to forgive an error, which pro- 
ceeded only from an extravagance of love. 

Mifs WAL-. To think me capable of fuch an ac- 
tion, Captain Savage ! I am terrified at the idea of a 
union with you, and it is better for a woman at any 
time, to facrifice an- infolent lover, than to. accept of 
a fufpicious hufband. 

CAPT. In the happieft unions,- my deareft creature,' 
there muft be always fomerhing to overlook on both- 

Mifs WAL. Very civil, trtily. 

CAPT. Pardon me, my life, for this frankriefs , 
and recollect-, that if the lover has thro' milconcep- 
lion been unhappily guilty, he brings a hufband al- 
together reform'd to your hands. 

Mifs WA. Well, I fee I muft forgive you at laft, 
io I may as well make a merit of neceffity, you pro- 
voking creature. 

CAPT. And may I hope, indeed, for the blefling 
of this hand ? 

Afs WAL. Why, you wretch, would you have 
me force it upon you ? I think, after what I have 
laid, a foldier might have ventur'd to take it without 
farther ceremony. 

CAPT. Angelic creature ! thus I feize it as my 
lawful prize. 

Mifs WAL. Well, but now you have obtained this 
ineilimable prize, Captain, give me again leave to alk 
if you have had a certain explanation with the General? 



. How can you doubt it ? 
lfs WAL. And he is really impatient for our 
marriage ? 

OAPT. 'Tis incredible how earned he is. 

Mifs WAL. What, did he tell you of his Intervie\y 
with me this evening., when he brought Mr. Tor- 
rington ? 

CAPT. He did. 

Jtffs WAL. O, then, I czn have dp doubt. 

CAPT. If a lhado\V of doubt remains, here he 
comes to remove it. Joy, my dear Sir ! joy a thou- 
fand times ! 

Enter General Sayage, .and Torrington. 

GEN. What, my dear boy, have you carried the 
,day ? 

Mifs WAL. I have been weak enough to indulge 
Jhim with a victory, indeed, General. 

GJEN". None but the brave none but tbe brave* 

TOR. I ongraju]ate you heartily on this decree, 

GEN T . This had nearly proved a day of difappoint- 
ment, but die ftars have fortunately turn'd it in my 
favour, and now I reap the rich reward of my vic- 
Xory, (Salutes her ) 

CAPT. And here I take her from you, as the greateft 
good which heav'u can fend me. 

Mfs WAL. O, Captain ! 

GEN. You take her as the greateft good which 
feeav'n can lend you, firrah ; I take her as the greateft 
good which heaven can lend me: And now what 
have you to fay to her ? 

Mifi WAL. General Savage! 

TOR. Here will be a frefh injunction to flop pro- 

Mifs WAL. Are \ve never to have don* with 
miftakes ? 

84 TI* S C H O O L fir W \ V E--S. 

GEN. What miftakes cm have happen'd now 
fweeteil ? you deliver'd up your dear hand to me this 
moment: ? 

Mifs WAL. True, Sir-, but I thought you were 
going to beibjw my dear hand upon this dear gen- 

GEN. Ho'w ! that dear gentleman ! 

CAPT. I am thunder-ftruck ' 

TOR. G-n. i-il fifom but the bra-ve^ &V. [Jin*s. 

GEN. So the covert way is clear'd at h(l , and you 
have irna^in'd that I \v. r-11 t .lor,g negociatingfor this 
fell r AV, \vhen I was gravely ioJ:citint>, for my (elf ? 

Mijs WAL. No other idea, Sir, ever once entered 
my ma-jn..tioo. 

TOR. General. McSte minds fibuld ne'er 

GEN. Zounds ' here's all the company pouring 
upon us in full gallop, and I mall be the laughing 
flock of the whole town. 

Enter Bclville, Mrs. Belville, Lady Rachel, Leefon 
and Connolly. 

BEL. Well, General, we have left you a long time 
together. Shall I give you joy ? 

GEN. Noj wiih me dernoiifh'd in the fortifications 
of Dunkirk. 

Mrs. BEL. What's the matter ? 

Lady RACH. The General appears difconcerted 

I,E ; s. The gentleman looks as if he had fought a 
hard battle. 

CON. Ay, and gain'd nothing but a defeat, my dear. 

TOR. I'll mew cauie for his behaviour. 

GEN. Death and damnation ! not for the world. 
I am taken by furprife here -, let me confidcr a mo- 
ment how to cut my way thro' the enemy. 


Tke S C H O O L-for WIVES. 85 

Mifs WAL. How cou'd you be deceiv'd in this 
manner. (To Capt. 

Lady RACH. O, Mr. Torrington, we are much 
oblig'd to you ; you have been in town ever fmce laft 
night, and only lee us now by accident. 

J ToR. I have been veiy bufy, Madam-, but you 
look fadly, very fadly indeed ' your old diforder the' 
jaundice, I fuppofe, has been very troublefometoycu? 

Lady RACH. Sir, you have a very extraordinary 
mode of complimenting your acquaintance. 

CON. I don't believe for all that, that there's a 
v/ord of a lie in the truth he fpeaks. (aftde 

Mrs. BEL. Mifs Walfmaham, Capt. Savage has 
been telling Mr. Belville and me of a very extraor- 
dinary mifiake. 

Mils WAL, 'Tis very flrange indeed, miftake on 

BEL. 'Tis no way ftrange to find every body pro- 
perly ftruck with the merit of Mifs Walfinghatn. 

Mifs WAL. A compliment from you now, Mr. 
Belville, is really worth accepting. 

GEN. If I thought the affair cou'd be kept a fe- 
cret, by making the town over to my fon, fmce I am 
utterly {hut out myiclf 

CAPT. He feems exceedingly embarrafled. 

GEN. If I thought that ; why mortified as I 
muft be in giving it up, I think I cou'd refolve upon 
the manoeuvre, to lave myielf fro;r> univerfal ridicule: 
but it can't be ; it can't be , 3?id I only double my 
own difappointment in rcwu : diibbedience of 

the rafcal who has'^xipplanted me. There ! there! 
they are all talking of it, ail kughing at me, and I 
(hall run mad! 

Mrs. TEMP. (bd-'>rtc.\ I f?y, you feather-headed 
puppy, he is in this houiV; my ov/n fervant faw him 
come in, ajid.I wiil not ftir'tiu I iind him. 


86 ne S C H O O L for WIVES, 

GEN. She here !- -then deliberation is over, and I 
am entirely blown up. 

Lady RACK. I'll take notes of this affair. 

Enter Mrs. Tempeft. 

Mrs.Tj.up. Mighty well, Sir. So you arc in love 
it feeirs j and you want to be married it feems i 3 

LEES. My bleffed aunt 1---O how proud I an) of 
the relation. 

GEN. Dear Bab, give me quarter before all this 

Aprs. TEMP. You are in love, you old fpol, are you ? 
jnd you want to marry Mifs Walfmgham, indeed! 

CON. I never heard a pleafanterfpoken gentlewoman 
O hone, if I had the taming of her, me fhou'd never 
be abufive, without keeping.a civil tongue in her head. 

Mrs. TEM. Well, Sir, and when is the happy day 
to be fix'd ? 

BEL. What the devil, is this true, General ? 

GEN. True. Can you believe fuch anabfurdity ? 

Mrs. TEMP. Yv hy ? will you deny, you miferable 
old mummy, that you made propofal of marriage to 
h el - ?__ 

GEN. Yes I do no I don't propofal s of marriage! 

Mifs WAL. In favour of your fon. I'll help him 
Out a little. \ajid* 

GEN. Yes, in favour of my fon-what the devil 
(hall I do ? ' 

Mrs. BEL, Shall I take a lefibn from this lad}% 
Mr. Bel vi lie ? Perhaps if the wometfef virtue were 
to pluck up a little fpirit, they might be foon as well 
treated as kept miftrefles. 

Mrs. TEMP. Harkee, General Savage, I believe 
you aflert a falfehood ; but if you fpeak the truth, 
give your fon this moment to Mifs Walnngham, and 
let me be fairly rid of my riyal. 

GEN. My fon ! Mifs' Walfinghara !~rMifc Wal- 
fingham, my fon { 


ne SCHOOL for WIVES. $7 

&EL. It will do, Horace-, it will do. 
Mrs. TEMP. No prevarications, General Savage; 
do what I bid you inftantly, or by all the wrongs of 

an enraged woman, I'll foexpofe you. 

CON. What a fine fellow this is, to have the com- 
mand of an army ! 

GEN. If Mils Walfingham can be prevailed upon. 
TOR. O, fhe'll oblige you readily But you muft 
fettle a good fortune upon your fon. 
Mrs. TEMP. That he fliall do, 
Mrs. BEL. Mifs Walftngham, my Dear - 
Mjfe WAL. I can refufe nothing either to your re* 
quell, of to the requelt of the General. 

GEN.- Oblige me with your hand then, Madam: 
come here you come here Captain. There, there is 
Mils Walfmgham's hand for you. 

CON. And as pretty a little fift it is, as any ia the 
three kingdoms. 

GEN. Torrington fhall fettle the fortune. 
LEES. I give you joy moft heartily, Madam. 
BEL. We all give her joy. 
CAPT. Mine is beyond the power of expreflion. 
Mifs WAL. (afide to the company) And fo is the 
General's, I believe. 

CON. O faith, that may be eafily feen by the fweet- 
nefs of his countenance. 

TOR. Weil, the caufe being now at laft determin'cL, 
1 think we may all retire from the court. 

GEN. And without any great credit, I fear, to the 

CON. By my foul, you may fay that. 

Mrs. TEMP. Do you murmur, Sir? Come this 
moment home with me. 

GEN. I'll go any where to hide this miferable head 
<jf mine : what a darrm'd campaign have I made of it ! 

[Excttnt Gw, Mi Mrs, Temp. 

8 Me S C H O O L for WIVES. 

CON. Upon my foul, if I was in the General's 
place, I'd divide the houfe with this devil -, I'd keep 
within doors myfelf, and make her take the outfide,,' 

BEL. The day has been a bufy one, thanks to the 
communicative difpolition of the Captain, 

Mrs. BLL. And the evening fhould be chearful. 

BEL. I fhan't therefore part with one of you, 'till 
we have hada hearty laugh at our general adventures. 

M//}WAL. They have been very whimfical in- 
deed ; yet if represented on the ftage, I hope they 
wou'd be found not only entertaining, but inftru&ive. 

Lady RACK. Inftrudlive ! why the modern Critics 
fay that the only bufmefs of Comedy is to make peo- 
ple laugh. 

BEL. That is degrading the dignity of letters et- 
ceedingly, as well as leflening the utility of the ftage 
A good comedy is a capital effort of genius, and 
Ihould therefore be directed to the nobleit purpofes-. 

Mifs WAL. Very true , and unlefs we learn fome- 
thing while we chuckle, the carpenter who nails a 
Pantomime together, will be entitled to more applaufe, 
than the beft comic poet in the kingdom. 

E::sw! &. 

F I N I 

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